Connections don't expire. You can
choose to ignore them, you can redefine them, you can
cease nourishing them with love... but once two people
connect? I believe that's there forever. Labels seem
to be in a constant state of flux, but there is a
unique aspect to personal connections that are cannot
be changed. All it takes is a few moments to remember
the connection, and both people willing to admit it's
still there. Thus, I have remained friends with nearly
everyone I've ever been with.
I'm also a strange creature when
it comes to communication and being "in
touch" with who I am. My openness brings out
the same in people and I'm so passionate about the way
I live my life, I find our connection quickly. Of
course if I'm never able to get a word in edge-wise,
that ability lessens greatly (ahem, sorry - one last
jab) but the other 99% of the women I've been in
contact with do know my sincerity, and do appreciate
the communication...
...and yes, I do mean women
and women only. Sorry, but I haven't found men to
be very open when it comes to, well, everything
I base my entire life on. I'm a mutant to most
men - however, I'm a big fan of "Watchin' the game" or
"Playin' the game" so I still get my "guy time"
in. It feels very surface, but necessary
nonetheless.
It brings me to last Sunday,
speaking with the woman that provided that first real
bond that time just can't erase...
20 years ago, I met that girl
on the right and she became such a soul mate that we
defied all critics and got married at the ridiculously
stupid age of 21. The thought of that now, or my
judgment of anyone at that age that would get married
is laughable at best. We knew we were special. We knew
it to our core. We were a team, we had a sense of
equality that I've only ever felt again with one
person... and often wonder if it's even possible to be
so sure of anything again after such a tumultuous two
decades of life. Probably not.
Last Sunday, I listened to her in
pain. Her support systems that she's relied on her
whole life have vanished with the last one now
becoming a parent/child role-reversal and she's
drowning. I've never heard her like this, other than a
few times when we were together. I heard that
girl again. It really kinda stuck with me. I was happy
she could still confide in me, and I felt that
urge to be there for her. Be a friend, be that
support... but all I could do was record a
song...
The heartbreaking thing is? I'm
not up the road. I can't help. I'm a distant voice
from a lifetime ago and she needs so much more.
I feel helpless. I wish it really was the
thought that counted. Considering what I went
through this summer, I'm fully aware that isn't true.
In fact it's even more depressing when those that love
and support you the most are 2500 miles away on a
telephone line. The more I reach out to help, the
more isolated she will feel.
What is my place? You know? That's
the part that eats at me. I know I provide a
unique perspective and she has my unconditional love
as a friend... but the things she's dealing with?
They're massive. I wish I could be more.
I wish I was closer. And this time, not just
for my own needs. I want to give. I'm a really
good friend and I really, really care. So it does
kind of beg the question of whether it's healthy to
continue these connections that are bound to be less
than ideal. The prevailing feeling is helpless, not
satisfying.
But blah blah blah, it's because
I just do things too intensely. I'm sure she was
just happy to vent for a bit, and I'm thinking
I need to change her entire life. Just 'cause I
gave up "saving" women in 1998, doesn't mean my
heart doesn't want to help. I just hate having
the answers to someone's problem, but not being able
to truly share them. Can't really feel too bad about
it. The same thing that makes me be this passionate
about connections and friends is the only reason
I can sing "Lean on Me" like that. There's a
reason you believe the words I'm saying when
I sing that... it's 'cause I believe them.
And desperately want to be that person to everyone
I meet.
Alright. THAT is a better way
to leave The Journey before I jump out of this plane
(which finally happens tomorrow). I just couldn't have
my lasting image be my nuts in your mouth.
