Entry #1090
3:43 PM, October 27th 2010:
Connections don't expire. You can choose to ignore them, you can redefine them, you can cease nourishing them with love... but once two people connect? I believe that's there forever. Labels seem to be in a constant state of flux, but there is a unique aspect to personal connections that are cannot be changed. All it takes is a few moments to remember the connection, and both people willing to admit it's still there. Thus, I have remained friends with nearly everyone I've ever been with.
I'm also a strange creature when it comes to communication and being "in touch" with who I am. My openness brings out the same in people and I'm so passionate about the way I live my life, I find our connection quickly. Of course if I'm never able to get a word in edge-wise, that ability lessens greatly (ahem, sorry - one last jab) but the other 99% of the women I've been in contact with do know my sincerity, and do appreciate the communication...
...and yes, I do mean women and women only. Sorry, but I haven't found men to be very open when it comes to, well, everything I base my entire life on. I'm a mutant to most men - however, I'm a big fan of "Watchin' the game" or "Playin' the game" so I still get my "guy time" in. It feels very surface, but necessary nonetheless.
It brings me to last Sunday, speaking with the woman that provided that first real bond that time just can't erase...
20 years ago, I met that girl on the right and she became such a soul mate that we defied all critics and got married at the ridiculously stupid age of 21. The thought of that now, or my judgment of anyone at that age that would get married is laughable at best. We knew we were special. We knew it to our core. We were a team, we had a sense of equality that I've only ever felt again with one person... and often wonder if it's even possible to be so sure of anything again after such a tumultuous two decades of life. Probably not.
Last Sunday, I listened to her in pain. Her support systems that she's relied on her whole life have vanished with the last one now becoming a parent/child role-reversal and she's drowning. I've never heard her like this, other than a few times when we were together. I heard that girl again. It really kinda stuck with me. I was happy she could still confide in me, and I felt that urge to be there for her. Be a friend, be that support... but all I could do was record a song...
The heartbreaking thing is? I'm not up the road. I can't help. I'm a distant voice from a lifetime ago and she needs so much more. I feel helpless. I wish it really was the thought that counted. Considering what I went through this summer, I'm fully aware that isn't true. In fact it's even more depressing when those that love and support you the most are 2500 miles away on a telephone line. The more I reach out to help, the more isolated she will feel.
What is my place? You know? That's the part that eats at me. I know I provide a unique perspective and she has my unconditional love as a friend... but the things she's dealing with? They're massive. I wish I could be more. I wish I was closer. And this time, not just for my own needs. I want to give. I'm a really good friend and I really, really care. So it does kind of beg the question of whether it's healthy to continue these connections that are bound to be less than ideal. The prevailing feeling is helpless, not satisfying.
But blah blah blah, it's because I just do things too intensely. I'm sure she was just happy to vent for a bit, and I'm thinking I need to change her entire life. Just 'cause I gave up "saving" women in 1998, doesn't mean my heart doesn't want to help. I just hate having the answers to someone's problem, but not being able to truly share them. Can't really feel too bad about it. The same thing that makes me be this passionate about connections and friends is the only reason I can sing "Lean on Me" like that. There's a reason you believe the words I'm saying when I sing that... it's 'cause I believe them. And desperately want to be that person to everyone I meet.
Alright. THAT is a better way to leave The Journey before I jump out of this plane (which finally happens tomorrow). I just couldn't have my lasting image be my nuts in your mouth.
...your dirty whore mouth.