Entry #1079
11:29 AM, September 22nd 2010:
Whew. No matter how many times my life takes drastic turns, I don't think I'll ever stop being shocked by it. Last week this time I could barely find a reason to keep breathing let alone stay in this city. And in one cup of coffee my personal and career life have done a 180.
Bored Sunday night, I jumped on Facebook to see who was online. Because I use it for networking I basically know none of the people I'm friends with. That can be annoying, but it is a nice ice breaker when trying to go do something. I jump online, see a cute girl named "Palmolive" in a flapper hat and said:  "Hello flapper girl." We meet for coffee on Monday morning...
...and within 48 hours we're both spinning trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Now I knew this was a different sort of date when I mentioned 3 divorces and she countered with "well, maybe I've gone to Vegas twice and gotten married...". Never had someone come back at me with THAT. And it's not like you're searching out failed marriages, but people who have truly jumped and broken their ankles... but kept jumping anyway? They just connect with each other. We didn't curl up into balls, in fact we yelled louder knowing one day - someone would come along and see it as a POSITIVE life trait. So I knew fairly quickly, this was different. What I wasn't prepared for was that for the rest of the day we'd literally be in a race to share more stories with each other. We went back to her office and continued to talk while she went about her day with clients coming and going dropping off headshots and whatnot. Watching her work on everything in the midst of us sharing stories was more than attractive. This industry aside, watching someone who is running their own business --successfully-- at 28, is just remarkable. Throw in that we could actually help each other? You can imagine how our brains were working.
As the hours passed, it was clear that that angle was pretty back-burner. We were far more enthralled by finally not feeling like an alien in front of someone. Although I have friends that understand, and have certainly dated people that were supportive and never held my past adventures against me... you knew that they saw me as "odd". I become this kind of "interesting character" in their lives and that doesn't seem to fade no matter how much I implore that I'm rather normal. No one's past comes close to mine, and it is a bit of a pink elephant in the room, even if it's mostly from my own awareness of it. In this situation, that simply doesn't come up - but not just because of personal jumps/failures. She's in the same industry and has dealt with the same assholes. She has a remarkably infectious personality considering just how tough her road has been. I've seen and met with a lot of managers/agents and I'll be honest - I just don't know a whole lot that have the excitement and enthusiasm for the industry that she does. And not because she's a novice, she's been involved in the industry one way or another for 15 years and any woman in it that long? Has seen her share of dicks.
Ha. Ha. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Inadvertent sentences like that fucking RULE. That is absolutely NOT what I meant. HAAAAAAAA. But it's too funny to edit. Ahem.
What I meant was, she has every reason to have the same slightly reserved, hardened view (that a certain video blogger has) and she doesn't. So to say that's a beautiful and positive energy to have in my life? Is to say the least. Have I not been looking for some way to deal with this sometimes HELLISH city? It's nearly too much positivity for me to process within one entry. LOL. Next you're gonna tell me I'm going to Disneyland.
You're going to Disneyland. Yes, after talking all freaking day/afternoon/night she says "May I treat you to Disneyland in the morning?".
Uhm, is that even a question? May I take you to the happiest place on earth while inspiring you in every facet of your life? This is soooooooooooooo reminiscent of 2006 when it felt like "The Journey Gods" had been asleep forever and then suddenly started throwin' shit at me so fast. The last being "Charlotte" getting me on as an extra on The Sopranos and I believe I wrote:
"For cryin' out loud, for fuck's sake, for all that is holy, in the name of whatever you pray to... I'M GOOOOOOOOOOD. Goooooood. Never been happier. Have no problem livin' off this for a little bit. You really don't have to keep pourin' it on. Space this shit OUT already. I know I've had an inordinate amount of shit in 7 years but any one of these things would've blown my idea of "normal happy" out of the water. This? This is almost psychotic..."
This feels identical to 2006 in that respect. The potential of meeting an amazing person wrapped up with so much career stuff that you're simply just trying to hang on. So how perfect that I spend the day riding roller coasters at Disneyland. Simply shaking my head at all of this.
What's so much nicer about this insanity is that it's an overflow of support. Help. Exactly as I said in the last entry about Laura being there for me. It means so much more than any specific gig I could land. Oh and so you understand, Laura is in the theatrical world (movie/tv) and "Palmolive" is more in the commercial world so there's no real conflict here. But more than both of those - "Palmolive" can get me agent representation for every facet of the industry from print/voice over/acting, etc. So again, this is an overflow of HELP. A group of people that believe in me and want to help. That's the REAL type of support that lasts far longer than any gig might...
...which of course can't even be typed without thinking of how painfully poor my support was in my "Charlotte" days. Just watching "Palmolive" in the period of one day getting her clients meeting after meeting with different AGENTS and listening to her personally pitch them? Unreal. With "Charlotte", I never spoke to or met with anyone in the industry. I take that back, there was one time. She had me meet the head of casting at Paramount even though my headshots and resume weren't done. LMAO. Knowing what I know now? Hahahahaha. The lady looked at me like:  "Uhm, what the fuck?". I called "Charlotte" immediately after that saying:  "She seemed really irked that I didn't even have a headshot or resume". "Charlotte" replies:  "It's no big deal, as long as she calls you in for some pilots, you'll know you made a good impression on her in the meeting." Wow, is there a more abusive line than that? Putting her fuck up on ME? I have to check the entry for more exact verbage. <checked> Look at that, seems I have a pretty good memory. Entry #171:
"We all remember the great Paramount Meeting right? What was never said was how much I downplayed the DISASTER it was. Helen was none-to-happy that we didn't have a resume ready. I had NO FUCKING CLUE about this. She understood that we didn't have the headshots done, but said we "could at LEAST have a resume for her". And I had to sit there befuddled. What kills me is I had all the time in the world to prepare a resume. ALL THE TIME. Had no clue. When I mentioned this to "Charlotte" she downplayed it as no big deal. Then here's the kicker: She tells me that because I said the meeting went well other than that - I should get callbacks from her for pilots. And if I don't - that we'll know the meeting didn't go well. Somehow turning it all on me. It will be my fault if this lady doesn't just remember me. (sigh)"
Man this fires me up. I hate to bring ANY negativity into this beautiful entry, but the juxtaposition is really needed to appreciate where I'm at right now. Because what that woman did was completely inexcusable. Any manager worth a SHIT would feel incredibly guilty for not preparing their client and then to turn her mistake on me by saying I should get callbacks for PILOTS based on one face to face meeting leaving no headshot OR resume? Man "Charlotte" did a number on me. I will never, ever, ever forget that lesson.
Sorry... tangent. Things are incredibly exciting, and simply put - I don't want to spend time with anyone else. And when both people feel like that? Well, that's a relationship. A legitimate and for the first time publically in well over two years: a relationship. I know I lived with ***** this year but it was so immediately bad within hours of that choice I could never make it public. We're still talking, and I know this is gonna be an absolute slap in the face to her (and I can't begin to express how sorry I am that slap comes from me), but it's the truth. I didn't feel comfortable for even one day to introduce her as a girlfriend because the eggshells filled the house. "Palmolive" and I however are in a totally different ballpark. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd, she's not moving in (in fact just signed a year lease for her apartment) annnnnnnnnnnnnd we're not getting married. As long as we're honest and communicate each day? This will work out however it's meant to be. We hardly determine that. We can only follow our hearts and see where it takes us. But we are most definitely on a path together right now seeing what type of foot prints we can leave on the world.
THAT is how you know you're ready to be in a relationship. It's not a series of long winded tests, a set of check-lists or a specific time frame or number of dates. It's both people saying VERY SIMPLY: I want to keep travelling down this road with you, don't feel the need to look for anything more right now. It really isn't that big of a deal. It hardly even qualifies as a commitment. Isn't that funny? I guess I forgot that somewhere along the way. If you're presently struggling over a label with a significant other? It's not time. Stop struggling. Float downstream. 'Cause it should be incredibly carefree.
It should be like a day at Disneyland.