Whew. No matter how many times my
life takes drastic turns, I don't think I'll ever stop
being shocked by it. Last week this time I could
barely find a reason to keep breathing let alone stay
in this city. And in one cup of coffee my personal and
career life have done a 180.
Bored Sunday night, I jumped
on Facebook to see who was online. Because I use it
for networking I basically know none of the
people I'm friends with. That can be annoying, but it
is a nice ice breaker when trying to go do something.
I jump online, see a cute girl named "Palmolive"
in a flapper hat and said: "Hello flapper girl."
We meet for coffee on Monday morning...
...and within 48 hours we're both
spinning trying to figure out what the hell just
happened. Now I knew this was a different sort of
date when I mentioned 3 divorces and she
countered with "well, maybe I've gone to Vegas twice
and gotten married...". Never had someone come back at
me with THAT. And it's not like you're searching out
failed marriages, but people who have truly jumped and
broken their ankles... but kept jumping anyway? They
just connect with each other. We didn't curl up into
balls, in fact we yelled louder knowing one day -
someone would come along and see it as a POSITIVE life
trait. So I knew fairly quickly, this was
different. What I wasn't prepared for was that
for the rest of the day we'd literally be in a race to
share more stories with each other. We went back to
her office and continued to talk while she went about
her day with clients coming and going dropping off
headshots and whatnot. Watching her work on everything
in the midst of us sharing stories was more than
attractive. This industry aside, watching someone who
is running their own business --successfully-- at 28,
is just remarkable. Throw in that we could actually
help each other? You can imagine how our brains were
working.
As the hours passed, it was clear
that that angle was pretty back-burner. We were far
more enthralled by finally not feeling like an alien
in front of someone. Although I have friends that
understand, and have certainly dated people that were
supportive and never held my past adventures
against me... you knew that they saw me as
"odd". I become this kind of "interesting
character" in their lives and that doesn't seem to
fade no matter how much I implore that I'm rather
normal. No one's past comes close to mine, and
it is a bit of a pink elephant in the room, even if
it's mostly from my own awareness of it. In this
situation, that simply doesn't come up - but not just
because of personal jumps/failures. She's in the same
industry and has dealt with the same assholes. She has
a remarkably infectious personality considering just
how tough her road has been. I've seen and met with a
lot of managers/agents and I'll be honest -
I just don't know a whole lot that have the
excitement and enthusiasm for the industry that she
does. And not because she's a novice, she's been
involved in the industry one way or another for 15
years and any woman in it that long? Has seen her
share of dicks.
Ha. Ha. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Inadvertent sentences like that fucking RULE. That is
absolutely NOT what I meant. HAAAAAAAA. But
it's too funny to edit. Ahem.
What I meant was, she has
every reason to have the same slightly reserved,
hardened view (that a certain video blogger has) and
she doesn't. So to say that's a beautiful and positive
energy to have in my life? Is to say the least. Have
I not been looking for some way to deal with this
sometimes HELLISH city? It's nearly too much
positivity for me to process within one entry. LOL.
Next you're gonna tell me I'm going to
Disneyland.
You're going to Disneyland. Yes,
after talking all freaking day/afternoon/night she
says "May I treat you to Disneyland in the
morning?".
Uhm, is that even a question? May
I take you to the happiest place on earth while
inspiring you in every facet of your life? This is
soooooooooooooo reminiscent of 2006 when it felt like
"The Journey Gods" had been asleep forever and then
suddenly started throwin' shit at me so fast. The last
being "Charlotte" getting me on as an extra on The
Sopranos and I believe I wrote:
"For cryin' out loud, for
fuck's sake, for all that is holy, in the name of
whatever you pray to... I'M GOOOOOOOOOOD.
Goooooood. Never been happier. Have no problem
livin' off this for a little bit. You really don't
have to keep pourin' it on. Space this shit OUT
already. I know I've had an inordinate amount of
shit in 7 years but any one of these things
would've blown my idea of "normal happy" out of the
water. This? This is almost
psychotic..."
This feels identical to 2006 in
that respect. The potential of meeting an amazing
person wrapped up with so much career stuff that
you're simply just trying to hang on. So how perfect
that I spend the day riding roller coasters at
Disneyland. Simply shaking my head at all of
this.
What's so much nicer about this
insanity is that it's an overflow of support.
Help. Exactly as I said in the last entry about Laura
being there for me. It means so much more than any
specific gig I could land. Oh and so you understand,
Laura is in the theatrical world (movie/tv) and
"Palmolive" is more in the commercial world so there's
no real conflict here. But more than both of those -
"Palmolive" can get me agent representation for every
facet of the industry from print/voice over/acting,
etc. So again, this is an overflow of HELP. A group of
people that believe in me and want to help. That's the
REAL type of support that lasts far longer than any
gig might...
...which of course can't even be
typed without thinking of how painfully poor my
support was in my "Charlotte" days. Just watching
"Palmolive" in the period of one day getting her
clients meeting after meeting with different AGENTS
and listening to her personally pitch them? Unreal.
With "Charlotte", I never spoke to or met with
anyone in the industry. I take that back, there
was one time. She had me meet the head of casting at
Paramount even though my headshots and resume weren't
done. LMAO. Knowing what I know now? Hahahahaha.
The lady looked at me like: "Uhm, what the
fuck?". I called "Charlotte" immediately after
that saying: "She seemed really irked that
I didn't even have a headshot or resume".
"Charlotte" replies: "It's no big deal, as long
as she calls you in for some pilots, you'll know you
made a good impression on her in the meeting." Wow, is
there a more abusive line than that? Putting her fuck
up on ME? I have to check the entry for more
exact verbage. <checked> Look at that, seems
I have a pretty good memory. Entry
#171:
"We all remember the great
Paramount Meeting right? What was never said was
how much I downplayed the DISASTER it was. Helen
was none-to-happy that we didn't have a resume
ready. I had NO FUCKING CLUE about this. She
understood that we didn't have the headshots done,
but said we "could at LEAST have a resume for her".
And I had to sit there befuddled. What kills me is
I had all the time in the world to prepare a
resume. ALL THE TIME. Had no clue. When I mentioned
this to "Charlotte" she downplayed it as no big
deal. Then here's the kicker: She tells me that
because I said the meeting went well other than
that - I should get callbacks from her for pilots.
And if I don't - that we'll know the meeting didn't
go well. Somehow turning it all on me. It will be
my fault if this lady doesn't just remember me.
(sigh)"
Man this fires me up. I hate to
bring ANY negativity into this beautiful entry,
but the juxtaposition is really needed to appreciate
where I'm at right now. Because what that woman did
was completely inexcusable. Any manager worth a SHIT
would feel incredibly guilty for not preparing their
client and then to turn her mistake on me by saying
I should get callbacks for PILOTS based on one
face to face meeting leaving no headshot OR resume?
Man "Charlotte" did a number on me. I will never,
ever, ever forget that lesson.
Sorry... tangent. Things are
incredibly exciting, and simply put - I don't
want to spend time with anyone else. And when both
people feel like that? Well, that's a relationship. A
legitimate and for the first time publically in well
over two years: a relationship. I know I lived
with ***** this year but it was so immediately bad
within hours of that choice I could never
make it public. We're still talking, and I know
this is gonna be an absolute slap in the face to her
(and I can't begin to express how sorry I am that
slap comes from me), but it's the truth. I didn't feel
comfortable for even one day to introduce her as a
girlfriend because the eggshells filled the house.
"Palmolive" and I however are in a totally different
ballpark. Annnnnnnnnnnnnd, she's not moving in (in
fact just signed a year lease for her apartment)
annnnnnnnnnnnnd we're not getting married. As long as
we're honest and communicate each day? This will work
out however it's meant to be. We hardly determine
that. We can only follow our hearts and see where it
takes us. But we are most definitely on a path
together right now seeing what type of foot
prints we can leave on the world.
THAT is how you know you're ready
to be in a relationship. It's not a series of long
winded tests, a set of check-lists or a specific time
frame or number of dates. It's both people saying
VERY SIMPLY: I want to keep travelling down this
road with you, don't feel the need to look for
anything more right now. It really isn't that big of a
deal. It hardly even qualifies as a commitment. Isn't
that funny? I guess I forgot that somewhere
along the way. If you're presently struggling over a
label with a significant other? It's not time. Stop
struggling. Float downstream. 'Cause it should be
incredibly carefree.
