Entry #1078
1:56 PM, September 19th 2010:
I said it two entries ago at the end of that tumultious month:
"What the hell are you gonna do on a small island with no water or electricity for three days?"
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
...and then come home, and do everything. Absolutely everything."
I knew the Channel Islands were a reset, and I knew my focus would be positive coming back from it. But a funny thing happened on the way to that nice positive build-up. It didn't work. As you read in the last entry I was lower than I was before and truth be told, I've held a bit back from just how bad it got. The "story" of The Journey is sometimes too much. You innundate yourself with it, and soon the story takes over. I've argued that's what happened to Chris Farley. He was so fixated on the story of Belushi, he just saw it through. Nothing anyone could say could keep him from that destiny.
Unfortunately for me, going through the process of making this documentary has turned the last 10 years of my life into a drama that as a viewer I could only see as a tragedy. The more I worked on it, the more it hit me. The more I thought about it the deeper I went. And when you get that low you find that the will to even get up another day wanes. I was in an incredibly fragile state where any input I got, was overboard. I started making calls to people on my phone praying for something to wake me up. And all that did was make me frustrated at who I specifically couldn't call that could actually help. I had someone tell me to move back to Ohio. That annoyed me.
And then I had someone else tell me the same thing.
And then someone else told me the same thing. 3 people that had never said this to me, just outright said it was time. The last being semi-adorable as Ann just kept looking at Tammy's Channel Islands picture and like a mother saying:  "Go make babies in Ohio Adam. She's beautiful. Just go." Sweet, but man did it have an effect on me. That effect?
The swagger leaped out of me. That pompousness that I haven't felt in a year just blasted out. Hearing these three people tell me to come home, for some reason, just irritated the living shit out of me. Like, it was fine for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE to think it -- but how dare you! HA. THis is all a bit crazy, because these are just people who care about me and want to see me happy. So all of this feigned anger at them is completely directed at me. It makes no logical sense because I'm the one that provided them with the idea by the way I've been acting this whole year. But again, it lit me UP.
...and it was time to be a little boy.
I've been putting off doing my voice-over reel for awhile now and I was just done. So I started finding copy (thanks to some links provided by Laura Adler) and started recording some spots. Got to this "water" one, and knew it had to be Johnny Boyle from my WTVN days. Hadn't done the voice in what, 12 years? Man it's spooky to hear that voice come out of me. That's not the entire reel obviously but it's the first thing I've done that didn't really sound like me and made me think: "Wow, I'm actually good at this." so I thought I'd include it.
I did this on Thursday, and the following day Laura takes me to brunch and says that she is now going to be managing Joe (her nephew and "the kid" from FOUR) and offered to also manage me, with us two being her only clients. She figures as she's been a casting director for 20 years, she knows enough people to get me any audition she thinks I'm suited for. Curb your enthusiasm for one second...
Friend. Huge friend. In some respects, only friend. I say some respects so as to not blast out everyone I know out here, but her faith in me has truly been second to none since we met in 2008 and that means more to me than anything career related. And I really, really mean that. So I looked her dead in the eye and said: "You know what I'm gonna say here..." And she knows all about my previous manager, Charlotte and what a nightmare scenario that was on every level. The truth of the matter is? It only took me a few seconds to realize how ridiculous it is for me to be concerned about that. The story of Charlotte is so black and white obvious to anyone who has had any contact with her, or who hears even the most MINOR of issues I had, that it barely needs to be brought up. This will be nothing like that and it takes ZERO leap of faith to believe that. This isn't a risk, it's common sense and of course I agreed to the arrangement... which is little more than "I'm gonna actively help push you..." and not really a contract situation at all. Basically her saying: "I've got the breakdowns coming, I'm gonna get you some better auditions than what you're getting now." Simple, as, that...
...of course that's the logical side. Step back a bit and look at what just happened in the midst of this entry? Yeah, massive shift. Considering how low I was? Probably one of the bigger (and fastest) shifts I've ever experienced. I'm not in a drastically better place, but I feel like I have support. I feel like someone has my back. Someone I trust, someone I know - and someone who thinks it's absolutely ludicrous for anyone to ever think I belong in Ohio. That's what I need. I am strong enough to do this journey... but we all need some support. And some physical -- lives a few minutes away -- support. Isolation will kill anyone, and I was there. I am not out of the woods, but I can see the way...
...I mean how do you not smile after hearing Johnny Boyle again in 2010?