Entry #1075
12:03 PM, August 31st 2010:
This is one of those times where I'm aware that I'm crossing a line. The editor in me is screaming not to make this public. It's this inner-fight that makes The Journey so difficult. I want to be honest about what shapes my character, but we're to the point now that it reveals so many flaws that it should probably be kept to myself. However, The Journey is all I have left. It's the only untainted thing in my life specifically because it is so tainted with the ugliness of this road. To clean it or censor it at this point? Means tarnishing the sanctity of the taint.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Did I just write "tarnishing the sanctity of the TAINT?" BWahahahahaha. Ho-LEE shit, that might be the most hilarious unintended sentence I have ever written. Why the hell do we call that part of the body "taint" anyway? Man, now my mind is all over the place. I should really erase that and start over because this is an intensely serious entry... but I won't. How the hell can I not keep THAT laugh in there? The sanctity of the taint. That's a band name. Take it. Love it.
Ok, so what I was meaning to say was that - censoring the hard times tarnishes the journey. Which is why I will share this, even though it is a window into my thought process that there's really no turning back from. Alas, the video:
I'm just so sorry to share that. But it's the only way I can process it. George Harrison explained this better than any artist I've ever heard when defending The White Album. A double album that many have argued could've been "cut" down to a REALLY strong single album. He said roughly, "What do you do when you have all those songs? You have to get them out." It's a very simple insight to how songwriters process. I get melodies and song ideas in my head that if I don't get them out? I go a little crazy. I don't mean just play them, but record them and release them for others to hear/view. I just kinda have to do it. It's like needing to take a shit. That's what it feels like to be a productive artist. This bizarre "push" to release. I'm productive 'cause it's how I breathe.
So goes this video. This fucking horrific minute of footage that has wreaked HAVOC on my brain for nearly two weeks cannot be processed until I make it into art. Holding it in has nearly killed me. And I don't say that lightly. I've had so many suicidal thoughts since keeping that video to myself I'm embarrassed to type the words. This unbelieveable feeling of the inevitability of it all. Goddamn how I hate feeling that some tragic overdose is inevitable. But sometimes, that's the truth. Sometimes you take so much, it gets so overwhelming, there's NO hope... and you just want the pain to END. And because I didn't want to WORRY anyone, I kept that vision to myself. I had nightmares, I have been in a daze - everything has added to it. And yes, having the "friend" continue to berate me with how fucked up and broken I am pushed me to the brink. I FUCKING KNOW. THANK YOU. NOW GO BE WITH THE MAN YOU "LOVE" AND LEAVE ME ALONE. I know she had no idea how bad it's been for me, but there's never time to know when you're so self-centered you can't stop punching long enough to listen. It has been a perfect storm of unemployment, unCAREERment and lack of ambition mixed with that video... fucking bad. Really, really bad. And then a Saturday Afternoon conversation that woke me up.
Kellita Smith and I met through Bonita Brisker whom I met coming back from the Inauguration last year. I've since done editing projects for them (pitches, etc) and generally just enjoyed their friendship. I knew they were well connected but man, sometimes you just don't want to go there. In fact, nearly 100% of the time, I don't want to go there. I am horrible at networking, because I really just want a friend. I hate this fucking industry most of the time and barely get up the strength to broach the subject. I'd rather talk about life, love... shit that matters. However, this past Saturday I knew I was in trouble. I needed to talk to someone who understood what I was going through. Hard to find those people, but Kellita has been very successful as an actress and also knows a thing or two about being high in your career, and then waking up one day and having it disappear. THAT is the type of shit that will make you nuts. Things completely out of your control that erase your standing. So as we were finishing up an edit, I finally brought up some of my shit and explained just how low I was. She saw it in my eyes. She took over. She started telling me some shit. She let me in a tiny bit and I realized that this woman had been through some shit that even I couldn't fathom getting back from. Yet, the energy she posseses when she walks in a room is second to none. I have joked with her that she is "BAM!" <with two hands bursting open in front of your face> and everyone else better meet that level or step the fuck back. Yet knowing some of the things she's been through? I had to ask how she can even get CLOSE to that "BAM!" It's the catch-22 of the industry. When you're on top? You own the room when you LEAST need it. You need to own that room when you're on the BOTTOM. For example...
...while going through all the Comedy Central shit? SHEEEEEEEIT. I owned every moment. There is a different walk, there is a different talk - you can't orchestrate that... but unfortunately - you HAVE to. Or you ain't makin' it. Kellita has it. She has found some way to tell that bitch that pulls the "woe is me" shit to shut the fuck up, stay in that closet, while she gets shit done. To a degree? I have that with The Journey. I get it out here, I upload it... and it is INSTANTLY past. I can look forward. It's exactly what I'm doing with this video. It is now BEHIND me. However what she has that I don't is the uncanny ability to truly forget that "bitch in the closet". To instantly be her best. Even talking with me about some of the bad shit, you could tell she did NOT want to go there, and it was only me saying "that really helps me, thank you" that she could even continue. She wants no part of that shit. She sat with me for over an hour and a half after we were done with all the BAM! she could muster reminding me how we both operate. How all artists operate. People think we're crazy? Fuck them. Do what we do for more than 5 minutes and then say that shit again. As I've said within these entries - making art is like telling someone you love them... and then waiting for the response. Every song I upload, video I upload, entry I write is a vulnerable piece, a baby if you will... that I HAND THE FUCK OVER for someone to do what they will. You do that long enough? In my case, 20 years? You're a mess. Add in that I'm documenting my life in a way NO ONE HAS EVER ATTEMPTED for this long? I'm playing with fire, and I am burned right now.
But Kellita woke my ass up - and you know what I did? The rest of that afternoon and night I finished what I've been putting off ALL YEAR: The final shots for The Journey documentary with 2000 & 2010 Adam. Something I've been dreading because it hits far too close to home, and the last thing I need is to step into "2000 Adam" and see just how angry and hurt he is by my decisions the past 10 years. But, I did it. I created. I finished it. I did what I was put on this earth to do... and wouldn't you know it? I felt great. I'm now editing it, and it's coming together great. I'm now able to put this horrible video behind me by uploading it and I'm finally looking forward. There's another reason I'm amped about putting this documentary together, and I'll explain that more next month. For now, just know that I'm alright, but well aware that I need to make changes so this shit never happens again.
I also need to thank Dirk Thompson who on a night when I was really going through some bad shit - he was there immediately. We jumped on Skype, and were going to talk a few minutes later... when I was intercepted by a prettier face (HAHAHAHA) and ended up talking to her for 3 hours. Even though we never really talked about what I was going through... I knew he'd been down the road I was on and there's this surreal bond between the two of us. 'Cause, I really don't know him. We have these similar paths for over a decade... yet never met until that interview last December - and I still thought I should talk to him when I was in such a bad place. Interesting. And to other friends who I do know much better, please understand that my biggest concern was not worrying you. It was important to have the freedom to talk to someone who wouldn't freak the fuck out by what I was saying and call the looney bin. When going through low moments, that's the biggest fear. That if you actually say something to anyone - you'll find yourself locked up when all you needed to do was just let this shit out of your brain. A simple:  "Here is how I'm feeling, sound familiar? What did you do about it?" And if you happen to tell people that haven't felt that? They go all wonky and then you end up helping THEM for the next hour. I guess what I'm saying is, thank you Dirk for being just as fucked up as me. Haaaaaaaaaaaa.
And also a big thank you to the "prettier face" who is clearly more than that, and who is taking me to the Channel Islands for the Labor Day weekend. Three days where I will have no access to the outside world and have that disconnect that I so badly need. The timing is perfect. I've been asked: "Wait, aren't you gonna be bored? What the hell are you gonna do on a small island with no water or electricity for three days?"
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
...and then come home, and do everything. Absolutely everything.