This is one of those times where
I'm aware that I'm crossing a line. The editor in me
is screaming not to make this public. It's this
inner-fight that makes The Journey so difficult. I
want to be honest about what shapes my character, but
we're to the point now that it reveals so many flaws
that it should probably be kept to myself. However,
The Journey is all I have left. It's the only
untainted thing in my life specifically because it is
so tainted with the ugliness of this road. To clean it
or censor it at this point? Means tarnishing the
sanctity of the taint.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Did I
just write "tarnishing the sanctity of the TAINT?"
BWahahahahaha. Ho-LEE shit, that might be the most
hilarious unintended sentence I have ever written. Why
the hell do we call that part of the body "taint"
anyway? Man, now my mind is all over the place.
I should really erase that and start over because
this is an intensely serious entry... but
I won't. How the hell can I not keep
THAT laugh in there? The sanctity of the taint.
That's a band name. Take it. Love it.
Ok, so what I was meaning to say
was that - censoring the hard times tarnishes the
journey. Which is why I will share this, even though
it is a window into my thought process that there's
really no turning back from. Alas, the
video:
I'm just so sorry to share that.
But it's the only way I can process it. George
Harrison explained this better than any artist I've
ever heard when defending The White Album. A double
album that many have argued could've been
"cut" down to a REALLY strong single album. He
said roughly, "What do you do when you have all those
songs? You have to get them out." It's a very simple
insight to how songwriters process. I get
melodies and song ideas in my head that if
I don't get them out? I go a little crazy. I
don't mean just play them, but record them and release
them for others to hear/view. I just kinda have to do
it. It's like needing to take a shit. That's what it
feels like to be a productive artist. This bizarre
"push" to release. I'm productive 'cause it's how I
breathe.
So goes this video. This fucking
horrific minute of footage that has wreaked HAVOC on
my brain for nearly two weeks cannot be processed
until I make it into art. Holding it in has
nearly killed me. And I don't say that lightly. I've
had so many suicidal thoughts since keeping that video
to myself I'm embarrassed to type the words. This
unbelieveable feeling of the inevitability of it all.
Goddamn how I hate feeling that some tragic overdose
is inevitable. But sometimes, that's the truth.
Sometimes you take so much, it gets so overwhelming,
there's NO hope... and you just want the pain to END.
And because I didn't want to WORRY anyone, I kept
that vision to myself. I had nightmares, I have been
in a daze - everything has added to it. And yes,
having the "friend" continue to berate me with how
fucked up and broken I am pushed me to the brink.
I FUCKING KNOW. THANK YOU.
NOW GO BE WITH THE MAN YOU "LOVE" AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
I know she had no idea how bad it's been for me, but
there's never time to know when you're so
self-centered you can't stop punching long enough to
listen. It has been a perfect storm of unemployment,
unCAREERment and lack of ambition mixed with that
video... fucking bad. Really, really bad. And then a
Saturday Afternoon conversation that woke me
up.
Kellita Smith and I met through
Bonita Brisker whom I met coming back from the
Inauguration last year. I've since done editing
projects for them (pitches, etc) and generally just
enjoyed their friendship. I knew they were well
connected but man, sometimes you just don't want to go
there. In fact, nearly 100% of the time, I don't
want to go there. I am horrible at networking, because
I really just want a friend. I hate this fucking
industry most of the time and barely get up the
strength to broach the subject. I'd rather talk about
life, love... shit that matters. However, this past
Saturday I knew I was in trouble. I needed to
talk to someone who understood what I was going
through. Hard to find those people, but Kellita has
been very successful as an actress and also knows a
thing or two about being high in your career, and then
waking up one day and having it disappear. THAT
is the type of shit that will make you nuts. Things
completely out of your control that erase your
standing. So as we were finishing up an edit, I
finally brought up some of my shit and explained just
how low I was. She saw it in my eyes. She took over.
She started telling me some shit. She let me in a tiny
bit and I realized that this woman had been through
some shit that even I couldn't fathom getting
back from. Yet, the energy she posseses when she walks
in a room is second to none. I have joked with her
that she is "BAM!" <with two hands bursting open in
front of your face> and everyone else better meet
that level or step the fuck back. Yet knowing some of
the things she's been through? I had to ask how she
can even get CLOSE to that "BAM!" It's the catch-22 of
the industry. When you're on top? You own the room
when you LEAST need it. You need to own that room
when you're on the BOTTOM. For example...
...while going through all the
Comedy Central shit? SHEEEEEEEIT. I owned every
moment. There is a different walk, there is a
different talk - you can't orchestrate that... but
unfortunately - you HAVE to. Or you ain't makin' it.
Kellita has it. She has found some way to tell that
bitch that pulls the "woe is me" shit to shut the fuck
up, stay in that closet, while she gets shit done. To
a degree? I have that with The Journey. I get it
out here, I upload it... and it is INSTANTLY
past. I can look forward. It's exactly what I'm
doing with this video. It is now BEHIND me.
However what she has that I don't is the uncanny
ability to truly forget that "bitch in the
closet". To instantly be her best. Even talking with
me about some of the bad shit, you could tell she did
NOT want to go there, and it was only me saying "that
really helps me, thank you" that she could even
continue. She wants no part of that shit. She sat with
me for over an hour and a half after we were done with
all the BAM! she could muster reminding me how we both
operate. How all artists operate. People think we're
crazy? Fuck them. Do what we do for more than 5
minutes and then say that shit again. As I've said
within these entries - making art is like telling
someone you love them... and then waiting for the
response. Every song I upload, video
I upload, entry I write is a vulnerable piece, a
baby if you will... that
I HAND THE FUCK OVER for someone
to do what they will. You do that long enough? In my
case, 20 years? You're a mess. Add in that I'm
documenting my life in a way
NO ONE HAS EVER ATTEMPTED for
this long? I'm playing with fire, and I am burned
right now.
But Kellita woke my ass up - and
you know what I did? The rest of that afternoon
and night I finished what I've been putting off
ALL YEAR: The final shots for The Journey
documentary with 2000 & 2010 Adam. Something I've
been dreading because it hits far too close to home,
and the last thing I need is to step into "2000
Adam" and see just how angry and hurt he is by my
decisions the past 10 years. But, I did it. I created.
I finished it. I did what I was put on this earth to
do... and wouldn't you know it? I felt great. I'm now
editing it, and it's coming together great. I'm now
able to put this horrible video behind me by uploading
it and I'm finally looking forward. There's another
reason I'm amped about putting this documentary
together, and I'll explain that more next month. For
now, just know that I'm alright, but well aware that
I need to make changes so this shit never happens
again.
I also need to thank Dirk
Thompson who on a night when I was really going
through some bad shit - he was there immediately. We
jumped on Skype, and were going to talk a few minutes
later... when I was intercepted by a prettier face
(HAHAHAHA) and ended up talking to her for 3 hours.
Even though we never really talked about what
I was going through... I knew he'd been down the
road I was on and there's this surreal bond between
the two of us. 'Cause, I really don't know him. We
have these similar paths for over a decade... yet
never met until that interview last December - and I
still thought I should talk to him when I was in such
a bad place. Interesting. And to other friends who I
do know much better, please understand that my biggest
concern was not worrying you. It was important to have
the freedom to talk to someone who wouldn't freak the
fuck out by what I was saying and call the looney
bin. When going through low moments, that's the
biggest fear. That if you actually say something to
anyone - you'll find yourself locked up when all you
needed to do was just let this shit out of your brain.
A simple: "Here is how I'm feeling, sound
familiar? What did you do about it?" And if you happen
to tell people that haven't felt that? They go all
wonky and then you end up helping THEM for the next
hour. I guess what I'm saying is, thank you Dirk for
being just as fucked up as me.
Haaaaaaaaaaaa.
And also a big thank you to the
"prettier face" who is clearly more than that,
and who is taking me to the Channel Islands for the
Labor Day weekend. Three days where I will have
no access to the outside world and have that
disconnect that I so badly
need. The
timing is perfect. I've been asked: "Wait, aren't you
gonna be bored? What the hell are you gonna do on a
small island with no water or electricity for three
days?"
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
...and then come
home, and do everything. Absolutely
everything.
