Such a difficult
entry to write at what is already turning out to be
one of the hardest months of my life. I've hinted at
what I'm going through, but I just don't know if I'm
ready to be public with it 'cause I just don't want to
worry anyone about my well-being, but I'm starting to
worry myself… and that's never good. But, to the
entry at hand…
So the question
has arisen (time and again), why do I continually try
and keep relationships after the romance dies? What,
the, fuck Adam? It kills you. It hurts you. Let, shit,
go! To that I say, does it hurt worse than being
abandoned? Does it hurt worse than someone thinking
you're so toxic, so wretched… they can't even
utter your name? They decide to cut off all ties
because they can't even talk about the weather with
you? I have always said no. I have always felt
that ending would be far worse, and until very
recently (seriously, the last 18 months) it had never
happened to me. Every woman I've ever "been with" was
a phone call away, even if it was a few kind words a
year, there was always some common bond that we could
find. In several cases it took a LOT of work to find
that. A lot of time, a lot of heartache - but
eventually we would find it. Even ***** (who I think
I'm just gonna name asterisk from now on - LOL) who
filled this year with all sorts of headache and
stress? Just got off the phone with her, laughing
about several things and enjoying each others'
friendship. There's no ulterior motives, we simply
share a common bond. In this case, sharing one FUCK of
a bad 6 months together both personally and in our
careers and it doesn't even matter that the person on
the other line was the cause of much of the
stress… we shared THAT. We know what it was like,
and we did care about each other. So we couldn't live
together, big deal. But because we're taking the time
to communicate now? I guarantee that at some point in
our lives, we will call on each other for advice that
only we specifically can give. It has always happened
that way for me. That is my norm. Oh and Happy
Birthday Mommy-to-be: Jess. See?!?!? :-)
Of course I
wouldn't be writing this if that norm wasn't currently
being tested. I say tested because although this
person is certain they never want to speak to me
again, I don't actually believe that will hold true
forever. Whereas I wouldn't be shocked if I never hear
from Donna again? I'm just not buying it with this
person right now. That and the 4 emails, 15 instant
messages, 1 missed video call and 2 phone calls after
she told ME to never contact her kinda shows
her hand. Unfortunately what also shows her hand is
the absolute pummeling from her within these contacts,
that is not only uncalled for, but simply mean. And
man if there's ever a trait that will shut me down,
it's being mean. Something in me knows that is the
point that you should turn your back. I understand
momentary anger in the heat of the moment - we all say
stupid shit. But to get it constantly over a period of
days? Email after email? Call after call? When I
hadn't said ANYTHING? This is all just pent up shit
from a year ago? It's jarring. And that pent up shit
from a year ago? Is because I was honest and said I
couldn't be in an exclusive relationship. For about a
BAZILLION reasons, all of which are QUITE documented
on this site. It's more than jarring, it's telling. I
get being hurt, I get being heartbroken, but to
continue to punch someone who agrees with you? How
many times are you gonna tell me that I'm fucked up
and that you're a great catch? Seriously? Are you just
QUOTING my entries when I said the exact same thing? I
get it. I've cried over it. I've beat myself up over
it enough. A year later you're gonna just scream it at
me? Make me feel worse about the fact that I'm half
the man I used to be? That I can't jump the same way?
I'm already at the lowpoint of my personal life and
career and NOW you decide to pile on? After I put MY
neck on the line just a few entries ago to say "I
really care about you and am concerned that you're
making a mistake…" even though I knew people
would think that was incredibly arrogant of me to
write/sing/post? (sigh).
It speaks volumes.
I accepted immaturity, I accepted lack of life
experience… I accepted so many things as reasons
for these actions - but that was a loving heart doing
that. Take the rose-colored glasses off, and it's not
the truth. When I asked "Why Can't I Believe?" a year
ago? It's because I didn't feel comfortable. I
couldn't put my finger on exactly why and I blamed all
of my past issues at the time, but I think my
mind/body/soul felt this unknown variable that made me
uncomfortable. Now I know why. She doesn't understand
that love isn't mean. It isn't selfish… you know
that long list they read at weddings? When you're
young that list seems obvious, but as you get older it
has more and more meaning. The friends in my life that
are truly my friends? Would never, ever, ever hurt me
because I couldn't be what they wanted me to be. They
accept what I am, and what I can give - because I'm
honest with them and communicate that (and always
have). I feel the same way about them and truthfully
feel the same way about the person I'm writing about.
It's why I've NEVER been mean to her. In fact
I'm not sure I've ever spent more time trying to
communicate my feelings to someone. Explaining over
and over and over and over - and over - why I can't be
the things she wants me to be, but letting her know I
deeply care for her and want to be in her life. To be
punched by that person? So painful. So sad. And
this is someone who knows me. She's read every entry
folks - she knows the heartbreaks I've experienced,
yet still had the audacity to tell me I didn't know
how she felt. Well, I take that back - it's not
audacity, it's called being a teenager (she isn't,
she's in her mid-twenties). This is something most of
us went through decades ago. That gut-wrenching
heartbreak that makes you write nasty letters,
continue to make shitty phone calls and speak badly of
the person behind their back and to friends. Which is
WAY overboard, because usually in high school, nothing
tragic happened - the girl just broke up with
you… you just didn't know how to deal with it.
That's what she's doing now, which is so shocking to
me because this person is quite a bit older. By her
age I was on my second marriage! So I try to compare
apples to what are obviously now oranges, and it's
impossible. We are in completely different life-eras
and I need to treat her accordingly. So grey though.
She is so far ahead of where I was at 25 in so many
areas, but in this emotional field she just hasn't
gone through some of this shit. And I'm sitting here
judging her like she has. I actually kinda feel bad
about that. Wow, the entire tone of this entry changed
in the course of writing it. Love it when that
happens.
So I guess
this turns into a bit of a love letter. Yes her
actions were uncalled for and even she has no idea how
low I actually am right now, but assuming the FLOGGING
stops, the morale considering all of this will improve
over time. Now, to YOU - I know you're reading this
and I can only offer these words: Don't. Be. Mean.
Think long and hard about harsh words when you're
dealing with loved ones - especially ones that aren't
family members. You get a myriad of chances with
family members because they're blood, but other loved
ones are a bit more fragile. You can burn that bridge.
Especially if you know that loved one is already quite
sensitive, has had his ass handed to him more times in
the past 10 years than most people have in a lifetime
-- and who loves you. That last part is pretty
important - he loves you. It may not be the way you
want him to, but he does. And his only condition?
Don't rub his face in his weaknesses (you know the
ones he has been telling you he has for 2 years?) and
don't try to "make him hurt" on purpose. He NEVER did
that to you and never will. Any time he even got the
whiff that he hurt you? He sat on the phone with you
for hours and hours, days and days trying to
communicate as much as possible to ease your pain. For
no other reason than he cared about you. That's it.
You can't say the same. You maneuvered ways to get the
outcome you wanted for yourself and your love and
friendship hinged on you getting that outcome. He
however, cared about you no matter the outcome. He
loved you... no matter the outcome. In fact, he's
doing it right now.
