Uploaded on 08.30.10
Entry #1074
12:56 PM, August 24th 2010:
Such a difficult entry to write at what is already turning out to be one of the hardest months of my life. I've hinted at what I'm going through, but I just don't know if I'm ready to be public with it 'cause I just don't want to worry anyone about my well-being, but I'm starting to worry myself… and that's never good. But, to the entry at hand…
So the question has arisen (time and again), why do I continually try and keep relationships after the romance dies? What, the, fuck Adam? It kills you. It hurts you. Let, shit, go! To that I say, does it hurt worse than being abandoned? Does it hurt worse than someone thinking you're so toxic, so wretched… they can't even utter your name? They decide to cut off all ties because they can't even talk about the weather with you? I have always said no. I have always felt that ending would be far worse, and until very recently (seriously, the last 18 months) it had never happened to me. Every woman I've ever "been with" was a phone call away, even if it was a few kind words a year, there was always some common bond that we could find. In several cases it took a LOT of work to find that. A lot of time, a lot of heartache - but eventually we would find it. Even ***** (who I think I'm just gonna name asterisk from now on - LOL) who filled this year with all sorts of headache and stress? Just got off the phone with her, laughing about several things and enjoying each others' friendship. There's no ulterior motives, we simply share a common bond. In this case, sharing one FUCK of a bad 6 months together both personally and in our careers and it doesn't even matter that the person on the other line was the cause of much of the stress… we shared THAT. We know what it was like, and we did care about each other. So we couldn't live together, big deal. But because we're taking the time to communicate now? I guarantee that at some point in our lives, we will call on each other for advice that only we specifically can give. It has always happened that way for me. That is my norm. Oh and Happy Birthday Mommy-to-be: Jess. See?!?!? :-)
Of course I wouldn't be writing this if that norm wasn't currently being tested. I say tested because although this person is certain they never want to speak to me again, I don't actually believe that will hold true forever. Whereas I wouldn't be shocked if I never hear from Donna again? I'm just not buying it with this person right now. That and the 4 emails, 15 instant messages, 1 missed video call and 2 phone calls after she told ME to never contact her kinda shows her hand. Unfortunately what also shows her hand is the absolute pummeling from her within these contacts, that is not only uncalled for, but simply mean. And man if there's ever a trait that will shut me down, it's being mean. Something in me knows that is the point that you should turn your back. I understand momentary anger in the heat of the moment - we all say stupid shit. But to get it constantly over a period of days? Email after email? Call after call? When I hadn't said ANYTHING? This is all just pent up shit from a year ago? It's jarring. And that pent up shit from a year ago? Is because I was honest and said I couldn't be in an exclusive relationship. For about a BAZILLION reasons, all of which are QUITE documented on this site. It's more than jarring, it's telling. I get being hurt, I get being heartbroken, but to continue to punch someone who agrees with you? How many times are you gonna tell me that I'm fucked up and that you're a great catch? Seriously? Are you just QUOTING my entries when I said the exact same thing? I get it. I've cried over it. I've beat myself up over it enough. A year later you're gonna just scream it at me? Make me feel worse about the fact that I'm half the man I used to be? That I can't jump the same way? I'm already at the lowpoint of my personal life and career and NOW you decide to pile on? After I put MY neck on the line just a few entries ago to say "I really care about you and am concerned that you're making a mistake…" even though I knew people would think that was incredibly arrogant of me to write/sing/post? (sigh).
It speaks volumes. I accepted immaturity, I accepted lack of life experience… I accepted so many things as reasons for these actions - but that was a loving heart doing that. Take the rose-colored glasses off, and it's not the truth. When I asked "Why Can't I Believe?" a year ago? It's because I didn't feel comfortable. I couldn't put my finger on exactly why and I blamed all of my past issues at the time, but I think my mind/body/soul felt this unknown variable that made me uncomfortable. Now I know why. She doesn't understand that love isn't mean. It isn't selfish… you know that long list they read at weddings? When you're young that list seems obvious, but as you get older it has more and more meaning. The friends in my life that are truly my friends? Would never, ever, ever hurt me because I couldn't be what they wanted me to be. They accept what I am, and what I can give - because I'm honest with them and communicate that (and always have). I feel the same way about them and truthfully feel the same way about the person I'm writing about. It's why I've NEVER been mean to her. In fact I'm not sure I've ever spent more time trying to communicate my feelings to someone. Explaining over and over and over and over - and over - why I can't be the things she wants me to be, but letting her know I deeply care for her and want to be in her life. To be punched by that person? So painful. So sad. And this is someone who knows me. She's read every entry folks - she knows the heartbreaks I've experienced, yet still had the audacity to tell me I didn't know how she felt. Well, I take that back - it's not audacity, it's called being a teenager (she isn't, she's in her mid-twenties). This is something most of us went through decades ago. That gut-wrenching heartbreak that makes you write nasty letters, continue to make shitty phone calls and speak badly of the person behind their back and to friends. Which is WAY overboard, because usually in high school, nothing tragic happened - the girl just broke up with you… you just didn't know how to deal with it. That's what she's doing now, which is so shocking to me because this person is quite a bit older. By her age I was on my second marriage! So I try to compare apples to what are obviously now oranges, and it's impossible. We are in completely different life-eras and I need to treat her accordingly. So grey though. She is so far ahead of where I was at 25 in so many areas, but in this emotional field she just hasn't gone through some of this shit. And I'm sitting here judging her like she has. I actually kinda feel bad about that. Wow, the entire tone of this entry changed in the course of writing it. Love it when that happens.
So I guess this turns into a bit of a love letter. Yes her actions were uncalled for and even she has no idea how low I actually am right now, but assuming the FLOGGING stops, the morale considering all of this will improve over time. Now, to YOU - I know you're reading this and I can only offer these words: Don't. Be. Mean. Think long and hard about harsh words when you're dealing with loved ones - especially ones that aren't family members. You get a myriad of chances with family members because they're blood, but other loved ones are a bit more fragile. You can burn that bridge. Especially if you know that loved one is already quite sensitive, has had his ass handed to him more times in the past 10 years than most people have in a lifetime -- and who loves you. That last part is pretty important - he loves you. It may not be the way you want him to, but he does. And his only condition? Don't rub his face in his weaknesses (you know the ones he has been telling you he has for 2 years?) and don't try to "make him hurt" on purpose. He NEVER did that to you and never will. Any time he even got the whiff that he hurt you? He sat on the phone with you for hours and hours, days and days trying to communicate as much as possible to ease your pain. For no other reason than he cared about you. That's it. You can't say the same. You maneuvered ways to get the outcome you wanted for yourself and your love and friendship hinged on you getting that outcome. He however, cared about you no matter the outcome. He loved you... no matter the outcome. In fact, he's doing it right now.
Will you EVER understand that.