Entry #1070
9:32 PM, August 13th 2010:
At least there's hope in that title... though it wasn't my intention, I was honestly just trying to rhyme with the song. Add that to the list of things that weren't my intention for this "Unniversary" Entry... let's just get this out of the way now:
The phrase "what the fuck" was invented during a moment like this. Guaranteed. You simply cannot imagine how out in the open this is. Listen, I'm certainly not a sexual prude... but the point of public sex is to NOT get caught. You know? Like - see if you can pull it off when no one's looking. This is more than lazy. And damnit, these bastards ruined my video. LOL. I mean, in the end? This will be far more memorable (and I adore the phone conversation - Jess goin' "trash?" "Uhm, Kinda..." is so perfect), but it really was annoying. Not what I intended, now what I wanted... but of course I'm taping that shit. And I will hear none of it, so don't even try to start with how I'm some kind of perv for hiding behind a rock and taping them. It's like someone banging on the sidewalk, and you're already shooting video... those people will be and should be taped. Unreal. I'm still slightly annoyed by this as you can tell. Heh. And honestly - she remains clothed the entire time, the uncensored version was probably fine... but I'm not messin' with YouTube after "Who's Your President?" got taken down (which was completely political). We'll see if even this remains up. (sigh).
So it was 10 years ago today that I married Jess. More importantly to me, it was the last time I have felt that unbridled sense of "right" when making a choice. I had zero doubts, and was ready to jump. Something I was happy to have been able to get to after already being divorced. And as longtime readers know with Donna, there couldn't have been a shakier "jump" in my life. Oh I still tried like crazy to make it work, and hoped it would - but we had outtakes at the wedding for crying out loud. We knew this was a risk...
...10 years ago, it was just the right thing to do and there wasn't a second's hesitation. Nor should their have been. We loved each other deeply and our ability to let each other go actually proves that as bizarre as that sounds. As I've mentioned time and a gain, that relationship is still the proudest accomplishment of my life. I said that to her today. If I didn't have her friendship the feeling of failure in life for me would be nearly unbearable. It is a success story to this day, and how perfect was that at the end of the conversation? It all played out about the way we thought it would. I mean, it stings like crazy to say that about myself... but I'm in good humor about it. You have to be. It's an intriguing story I'm putting together and as I say in the documentary, "tha bad times provide the intrigue". So what an INTRIGUING fucking year this is. Ugh.
Still no word from Friedman and I'm about to enter the twilight zone next week as I interview for a job as an Insurance salesman. Which believe it or not? May be something I need. I mean, really, really, really need. I HAVE to right this ship before I lose everything. More next week when I get through it all... until then, love to Jess and Jeff and the baby GIRL that they're presently cooking. Which all but guarantees more babies in an attempt for an outie.