Ahh yes, there I am. That's Adam.
The pattern I'm proud of, the pattern that defines me.
Wanting desperately for those I love to achieve a
fulfillment and happiness, especially when we were
once involved and I knew I couldn't provide
that for them at the time. Your heart shifts to this
really special place that I'm finding far more
fulfilling personally than I ever understood. That of
unconditional friend that simply helps. Someone that
can be a reminder from time to time not to settle for
less. Someone that knows all your secrets, knows you
as intimately as anyone... but isn't asking for
anything in return. I've found in the past few years
that those relationships are invaluable. And it all
started with Jess in the summer of 2006...
<oh my freaking christ.
Journey Gods, how?>
It was this exact date
four
years ago. <shakes
head> How is that even possible? 510 entries ago.
Whew. Alright, only I am impressed with the spookiness
of that. I'll get to the freaking point
already...
Jess was dating the wrong
person at this time. We always had this unspoken
agreement that we were willing to give up something
special as long as we met or exceeded "us" in the
future. Something I believe we've accomplished and to
date I'm more proud of how we handled that than
anything in my life. Jeff is awesome, he most
definitely provided what I couldn't and their
connection absolutely meets or exceeds what Jess and I
had. Well in August 2006, she was not meeting
or exceeding a damn thing. LOL. And we laugh
about that now. It was the first time I felt that
emotion of having an extremely intimate connection
with someone that you want to push HIGHER. You want
them to raise the bar PAST you. It's a little
self-depricating now that I think of it, but no it
isn't... it's called love. So I wrote that entry and
song four years ago in an attempt to say "HEY! You're
NOT MEETING or EXCEEDING US! Be careful!!".
She was. She met Jeff a few months later (inside
smirk) and the rest is history.
Cut to now, and someone who is
also very special to me -- whom I also cannot
provide even close to what she deserves -- kinda
playing with fire at the moment. Now, the two
situations are very, very different in that
I don't talk to her about her relationships like
I did with Jess. I know nothing about this
guy, and it's all just a "feeling" to me. But she
has said enough to let me know that there's something
missing. It's just one of those things. There's really
nothing wrong with that. Believe me, I am all about
"living this life for now" and experiencing
relationships, connections and adventures without
worrying constantly about what everything "means". And
honestly, I think she understands that. I really do.
This is nowhere near as dangerous as the situation
Jess was in (living with someone and getting
progressively more serious as signs were more than
evident this was a mistake), but she's taking a jump
next week that has a tendency to be a bit
overwhelming. And sometimes when you're overwhelmed
(I don't know, flying her to NY to propose on a
bench in Central park when you're nine-fucking-teen)
you rationalize all sorts of shit. When someone treats
you THAT overwhelmingly? It sometimes can mean
they're making up for a deficiency somewhere else.
Just sayin'. And if you've never been treated that
way? You might overlook some remarkably crucial
elements of a relationship to continue to be treated
that way. Just sayin', again. HA. I laugh because
I know the sets of eyes that are reading this and
I'm just typing on eggshells trying to say what I want
to say. And of course I overdo it with a song.
(sigh)
I was already working out this
Harry Connick Jr. song on the guitar (We are in love)
when I got the call from her that she was taking
a big trip and the change in words just kinda came
out. And it really says nothing more than: "Don't
forget what being in love feels like." Nothing really
more than that. Because after getting BURNED by love?
You tend to go the other direction and "build a
relationship", focusing on other positives while kind
of ignoring the lack of butterflies. You can't build a
relationship off JUST those butterfly feelings either,
but trying to ignore their absence is a recipe for
disaster. That's the start of laying in bed
next to your mate in 5 years feeling more alone than
you've ever felt in your life. Again, I'm WAYYYYYY
ahead of myself. I'm being WAYYYYY overdramatic about
this. I know that. I'm an artist. Sue me. It's
what I do. But there's a lot of truth to it and it's
always my goal to raise people's expectations out of
what life can hold. Always. We may not be right for
each other, but I guarantee if you pay attention, I
can raise a bar for what you want out of life. And if
I've done that? And you've felt that? You'd better
meet or exceed that with the next guy. Thus, the
song.
I can't tell you how much
I love tweaking the words in songs people are
already comfortable with. It does something to your
brain because you're messing with people's memories.
It's kinda like the movie Inception. If you parody a
song, and it's good? You've permanently screwed with
their ability to listen to the original. For those who
have listened to/liked my Aunt Jemima parody,
tell me you don't hear "Hey There Delilah" and
smile. It's a huge gotcha. I went into your brain, and
slapped a coat of paint on it. :-)
With this song of course, it's a
love song. A fast, upbeat -
I LOVE YOU BABY! - love song. And to
slow it down, and turn it into the opposite is
really intriguing to me. I'm also a big fan of
breaking down songs that people never hear as ballads
and going: "See? Good melodies are good
melodies." You can take nearly every Nirvana song, and
make it a slow, gorgeous ballad. It's the sign of a
great song. It really is. And I adore Harry Connick
Jr. I'd actually love for him to hear this because I
bet he's never thought of his song this way. It's such
a complete tone-shift. Hmmm, wonder how I could
get that to his ears...
Anyway, to the person this is
about - I'm totally happy for what you're going to
experience next week. You're gonna have a blast, post
a lot of pictures, open up your heart, live in the
moment - all that good shit. Just be honest with
yourself because the step you're taking next week will
complicate things a bunch. Overwhelming doesn't begin
to describe what is awaiting you...
