Entry #1068
11:03 AM, August 4th 2010:
Ahh yes, there I am. That's Adam. The pattern I'm proud of, the pattern that defines me. Wanting desperately for those I love to achieve a fulfillment and happiness, especially when we were once involved and I knew I couldn't provide that for them at the time. Your heart shifts to this really special place that I'm finding far more fulfilling personally than I ever understood. That of unconditional friend that simply helps. Someone that can be a reminder from time to time not to settle for less. Someone that knows all your secrets, knows you as intimately as anyone... but isn't asking for anything in return. I've found in the past few years that those relationships are invaluable. And it all started with Jess in the summer of 2006...
<oh my freaking christ. Journey Gods, how?>
It was this exact date four years ago. <shakes head> How is that even possible? 510 entries ago. Whew. Alright, only I am impressed with the spookiness of that. I'll get to the freaking point already...
Jess was dating the wrong person at this time. We always had this unspoken agreement that we were willing to give up something special as long as we met or exceeded "us" in the future. Something I believe we've accomplished and to date I'm more proud of how we handled that than anything in my life. Jeff is awesome, he most definitely provided what I couldn't and their connection absolutely meets or exceeds what Jess and I had. Well in August 2006, she was not meeting or exceeding a damn thing. LOL. And we laugh about that now. It was the first time I felt that emotion of having an extremely intimate connection with someone that you want to push HIGHER. You want them to raise the bar PAST you. It's a little self-depricating now that I think of it, but no it isn't... it's called love. So I wrote that entry and song four years ago in an attempt to say "HEY! You're NOT MEETING or EXCEEDING US! Be careful!!". She was. She met Jeff a few months later (inside smirk) and the rest is history.
Cut to now, and someone who is also very special to me -- whom I also cannot provide even close to what she deserves -- kinda playing with fire at the moment. Now, the two situations are very, very different in that I don't talk to her about her relationships like I did with Jess. I know nothing about this guy, and it's all just a "feeling" to me. But she has said enough to let me know that there's something missing. It's just one of those things. There's really nothing wrong with that. Believe me, I am all about "living this life for now" and experiencing relationships, connections and adventures without worrying constantly about what everything "means". And honestly, I think she understands that. I really do. This is nowhere near as dangerous as the situation Jess was in (living with someone and getting progressively more serious as signs were more than evident this was a mistake), but she's taking a jump next week that has a tendency to be a bit overwhelming. And sometimes when you're overwhelmed (I don't know, flying her to NY to propose on a bench in Central park when you're nine-fucking-teen) you rationalize all sorts of shit. When someone treats you THAT overwhelmingly? It sometimes can mean they're making up for a deficiency somewhere else. Just sayin'. And if you've never been treated that way? You might overlook some remarkably crucial elements of a relationship to continue to be treated that way. Just sayin', again. HA. I laugh because I know the sets of eyes that are reading this and I'm just typing on eggshells trying to say what I want to say. And of course I overdo it with a song. (sigh)
I was already working out this Harry Connick Jr. song on the guitar (We are in love) when I got the call from her that she was taking a big trip and the change in words just kinda came out. And it really says nothing more than: "Don't forget what being in love feels like." Nothing really more than that. Because after getting BURNED by love? You tend to go the other direction and "build a relationship", focusing on other positives while kind of ignoring the lack of butterflies. You can't build a relationship off JUST those butterfly feelings either, but trying to ignore their absence is a recipe for disaster. That's the start of laying in bed next to your mate in 5 years feeling more alone than you've ever felt in your life. Again, I'm WAYYYYYY ahead of myself. I'm being WAYYYYY overdramatic about this. I know that. I'm an artist. Sue me. It's what I do. But there's a lot of truth to it and it's always my goal to raise people's expectations out of what life can hold. Always. We may not be right for each other, but I guarantee if you pay attention, I can raise a bar for what you want out of life. And if I've done that? And you've felt that? You'd better meet or exceed that with the next guy. Thus, the song.
I can't tell you how much I love tweaking the words in songs people are already comfortable with. It does something to your brain because you're messing with people's memories. It's kinda like the movie Inception. If you parody a song, and it's good? You've permanently screwed with their ability to listen to the original. For those who have listened to/liked my Aunt Jemima parody, tell me you don't hear "Hey There Delilah" and smile. It's a huge gotcha. I went into your brain, and slapped a coat of paint on it. :-)
With this song of course, it's a love song. A fast, upbeat - I LOVE YOU BABY! - love song. And to slow it down, and turn it into the opposite is really intriguing to me. I'm also a big fan of breaking down songs that people never hear as ballads and going:  "See? Good melodies are good melodies." You can take nearly every Nirvana song, and make it a slow, gorgeous ballad. It's the sign of a great song. It really is. And I adore Harry Connick Jr. I'd actually love for him to hear this because I bet he's never thought of his song this way. It's such a complete tone-shift. Hmmm, wonder how I could get that to his ears...
Anyway, to the person this is about - I'm totally happy for what you're going to experience next week. You're gonna have a blast, post a lot of pictures, open up your heart, live in the moment - all that good shit. Just be honest with yourself because the step you're taking next week will complicate things a bunch. Overwhelming doesn't begin to describe what is awaiting you...
...which is kind of exciting. :-)