Entry #1067
2:33 PM, August 3rd 2010:
Man did I need a week. An entry that really belonged in July with all the other hell so it wrapped up a neat little month... had no choice but to be delayed because my ass was just tired of tellin' the story. Writing the perfect little months, making the perfect little movies for all the insanity surrounding me. So this is a July story in August and honestly? That's the reality of the situation. I didn't process Roxy when I got home. I laid with CeBe, worried about her well-being and my own, and have had a very pleasant week. It was what I needed. So the sadness will seep into another month, but this is more about doin' the ol' pup some justice. We always forget the straight-man (errrr woman).
There was of course a time, when she was the star. And instead of the normal tear-jerking picture/video/song montage I felt she deserved to be the star one more time.
Awwwwww. She was so cute. Like all puppies, but her diggin' eatin' on that black doll is funny as fuck. She destroyed that thing. And she was barking because she saw herself in the camcorder cause I had flipped the screen around. :-)
So I came back last week and understandably CeBe was a bit strange. There had been so many people in and out of her life, she had to spend way too much time with Roxy's body, and her lack of "stability" was evident. So I just stayed home. I set-up our routines as much as possible so she knew I wasn't going anywhere (morning front porch/coffee routine, food, etc) and just did all I could to include her. She wanted nothing to do with the backyard where Roxy was and even now is touching me as she sleeps. She was always on the needy side, but she's clearly in need of a routine she can depend on right now. With that settled (also settling my own need for things to slow down), I began to focus on Roxy.
Roxy was "old" when she was 2. She was mothering almost instantly. Always the beta, always concerned, always looking out for the bad guys at the gate. If Shizzle or Cebe was barking at something, she'd cry or whine out of concern. One time when Shizzle ate all the cornbread at Thanksgiving while we were in the garage/studio - she just came in and cried. LOL. She sat at our feet KNOWING some shit was goin' down and that Shizzle was about to get yelled at. To date, it was one of the cutest things she's ever done. And she was right. HA. I had stood in line for 2 freakign hours at Boston Market for that goddamned turkey and corn bread and Shizzle jumped on the counter and ate the whole bag. Holy horse-shit I was pissed. HAHAHAHA.
And there I go again, putting the spotlight elsewhere... which I guess is the point. Roxy was the rock, the foundation, and just wanted everything to "BE OK". She didn't demand attention, she didn't do bad things like Shizzle and CeBe do - she watched the gate and cared about the well-being of others before her. If it sounds like I'm anthropromorphizing her, I am. She had this etherial motherly quality about her that was really striking. I was gonna name her "Nana-Bean" after my own grandmother at one point because it was so overwhelming how that spirit was in her. I mean, she could never just hang out in the house, it was uncomfortable for her NOT to be watching the outside world. Shizzle and CeBe just wanted to be near you, but Roxy really was taking care of things.
And this place feels a little less secure without her here. Not from a crime standpoint, just that gut feeling about what's "right" with the world. And the fact that I never got to see her, really stings. Just a piece of you that no longer exists. You move on of course, but it is sad. And there's nothing wrong that. CeBe and I are adjusting to being alone (how funny is that) and I won't decide on another dog for awhile. Truth be told, I can't really afford any more vet bills or even getting a dog at the moment. Too much other stuff to deal with first. No, I'm afraid what I hoped wouldn't happen after Shizzle, will now happen. I will attach myself to this pup in a way that will devastate me to the point of not being able to function if something happens to her. (sigh). Even though I'm more adept at most to accepting that everything ends, I want to avoid that pain. But you can't. It's gonna hurt like hell, but the joy she brings me in the meantime is wondrous. We're a great team and I don't mind being a twosome for a little bit. I'm sure at some point I'll get her a friend, but I like being her only friend for now.
The final piece to the Roxy story, is of course Jessica. It was our first dog, in our first house... and her passing does chip away at the life we spent together. Jess cried when I mentioned she was sick (then again she's pregnant and cries at radio commercials), but I will remember Roxy one way, forever...
The day we got her, with Jess. Ahhh 2003. How can you be so far away.