Man did I need a week. An
entry that really belonged in July with all the other
hell so it wrapped up a neat little month... had no
choice but to be delayed because my ass was just tired
of tellin' the story. Writing the perfect little
months, making the perfect little movies for all the
insanity surrounding me. So this is a July story in
August and honestly? That's the reality of the
situation. I didn't process Roxy when I got home.
I laid with CeBe, worried about her well-being and my
own, and have had a very pleasant week. It was what
I needed. So the sadness will seep into another
month, but this is more about doin' the ol' pup some
justice. We always forget the straight-man (errrr
woman).
There was of course a
time, when she was the star. And instead
of the normal tear-jerking
picture/video/song montage I felt she
deserved to be the star one more time.
Awwwwww. She was so cute. Like all
puppies, but her diggin' eatin' on that black doll is
funny as fuck. She destroyed that thing. And she was
barking because she saw herself in the camcorder cause
I had flipped the screen around. :-)
So I came back last week and
understandably CeBe was a bit strange. There had been
so many people in and out of her life, she had to
spend way too much time with Roxy's body, and her lack
of "stability" was evident. So I just stayed
home. I set-up our routines as much as possible so she
knew I wasn't going anywhere (morning front
porch/coffee routine, food, etc) and just did all
I could to include her. She wanted nothing to do
with the backyard where Roxy was and even now is
touching me as she sleeps. She was always on the needy
side, but she's clearly in need of a routine she can
depend on right now. With that settled (also settling
my own need for things to slow down), I began to focus
on Roxy.
Roxy was "old" when she was 2. She
was mothering almost instantly. Always the beta,
always concerned, always looking out for the bad guys
at the gate. If Shizzle or Cebe was barking at
something, she'd cry or whine out of concern. One time
when Shizzle ate all the cornbread at Thanksgiving
while we were in the garage/studio - she just came in
and cried. LOL. She sat at our feet KNOWING
some shit was goin' down and that Shizzle was about to
get yelled at. To date, it was one of the cutest
things she's ever done. And she was right. HA. I had
stood in line for 2 freakign hours at Boston Market
for that goddamned turkey and corn bread and Shizzle
jumped on the counter and ate the whole bag. Holy
horse-shit I was pissed. HAHAHAHA.
And there I go again, putting the
spotlight elsewhere... which I guess is the point.
Roxy was the rock, the foundation, and just wanted
everything to "BE OK". She didn't demand
attention, she didn't do bad things like Shizzle and
CeBe do - she watched the gate and cared about the
well-being of others before her. If it sounds like I'm
anthropromorphizing her, I am. She had this etherial
motherly quality about her that was really striking.
I was gonna name her "Nana-Bean" after my own
grandmother at one point because it was so
overwhelming how that spirit was in her. I mean,
she could never just hang out in the house, it was
uncomfortable for her NOT to be watching the
outside world. Shizzle and CeBe just wanted to be near
you, but Roxy really was taking care of things.
And this place feels a little less
secure without her here. Not from a crime standpoint,
just that gut feeling about what's "right" with the
world. And the fact that I never got to see her,
really stings. Just a piece of you that no longer
exists. You move on of course, but it is sad. And
there's nothing wrong that. CeBe and I are adjusting
to being alone (how funny is that) and I won't decide
on another dog for awhile. Truth be told, I can't
really afford any more vet bills or even getting a dog
at the moment. Too much other stuff to deal with
first. No, I'm afraid what I hoped wouldn't happen
after Shizzle, will now happen. I will attach
myself to this pup in a way that will devastate me to
the point of not being able to function if something
happens to her. (sigh). Even though I'm more adept at
most to accepting that everything ends, I want to
avoid that pain. But you can't. It's gonna hurt like
hell, but the joy she brings me in the meantime is
wondrous. We're a great team and I don't mind
being a twosome for a little bit. I'm sure at some
point I'll get her a friend, but I like being her only
friend for now.
The final piece to the Roxy story,
is of course Jessica. It was our first dog, in our
first house... and her passing does chip away at the
life we spent together. Jess cried when I mentioned
she was sick (then again she's pregnant and cries at
radio commercials), but I will remember Roxy one way,
forever...
The day we got her, with Jess.
Ahhh 2003. How can you be so far away.
