You know, I really thought
January-June of this year was about as bad as it could
possibly get. Like, I was so happy to finally get back
to LA and be able to wrap my head around starting to
turn this year around. And now a call from fucking
ANIMAL CONTROL that Roxy died now puts me into
further crisis-mode as I try to convince the county
that I didn't abuse my dogs and that Roxy was
being cared for. FUCK.
So Sean never came back from San
Diego, and although he knows Paddy has his back and
he's welcome to do whatever he'd like... he never
called. He just forgot to. So instead of Paddy going
there in the morning to give Roxy her meds, where he
would've seen her dead in the backyard, my poor
fucking NEIGHBORS had to look at the dog all morning
and finally called Animal Control. So now I have to
fax over the vet bills to prove to them that I'm not a
bad owner (the thought of which makes me
FUCKING LIVID because I love those friggin'
dogs like children) and poor CeBe had to hang out with
Roxy's dead body for WHO KNOWS how long. Once
again, I feel 2500 miles away from where
I should be, just like I felt last week when
Andyman died. COME ON JOURNEY GODS.
A FREAKING BREAK PLEASE.
Thankfully, I had Greg go over and
get CeBe before they took the body 'cause I was scared
they'd take her too. Roxy's body was picked up
sometime between when Greg took CeBe and when Paddy
got there around 6pm. Which baffled Paddy, 'cause the
animal control lady said I had to deal with the
disposal, Paddy shows up and Roxy pulls a Yoda. So I
sit here tonight typing this and Roxy is just
gone. I never see her again, I just have to
imagine all the goings-on at my house right now, and
poor fuckin' CeBe must be losing her mind. Fun week.
(sigh).
Now, in the midst of all this, was
my cousin Lila's 3rd birthday. She is technically a
cousin, but feels every bit a niece because I grew up
with her father Tim, like brothers. The past two years
I have done a birthday song for her and was planning
on doing the same until Andyman died and I was
actually able to be at her birthday party. That's far
more special than a song and just the tiniest peek at
her blowing out her candles (which Tim missed - heh)
is a precious reminder of celebrating life when you're
in the midst of so much death...
It's a nice bit of balance to this
week, but I have to be honest... enough with the
intensity already. I'm already almost in tears when
I hang out with Tim's family because I've wanted
it so desperately for so long... but after all THIS?
And all weekend throughout trying to make these
decisions about how to deal with Roxy and then right
after the birthday party to get the call from an
OFFICER at ANIMAL CONTROL. Man, I'm still
way too pissed right now about that angle of it. I
cannot believe my address will have on record that
Animal Control had to be called. It's such horseshit
after how dotingly I care for my pets.
GODDDDDDDDDDD.
Sorry. Balance.
Yay Lila, three years old.
Adorable girl. An entry you can't read for a dozen
more years though Lila. (sigh) Thinking back on it
though... she got butterfly wings for her birthday and
proclaimed: "Yay! I have butterfly wings!", put them
on, and smiled as if her entire life was perfect. That
is why I want children. Simply put. That type of
unbridled sincerity about life is so infectious, and
so needed. They're so truly happy. It's like Paul Rudd
said in Knocked Up: "I wish I liked anything as much
as kids like bubbles." I don't see any other way to
experience joy right now. Only children espress that
type of joy. And to just watch her contentment...
whew. Reminds me...
I must have been 6 or 7. My
grandmother Nana had bought me a new pair of Lone
Ranger shoes (blue) and I had recently gotten a little
handheld videogame thingee. Which in 1981 was moving
lights. I went to bed that night at her house,
put the brand new shoes on my nightstand, right next
to my brand new videogame thingee, and went to sleep
looking at them. I was happier than I've ever known.
It felt perfect. I was so excited, so happy - without
a care in my mind.
It's why I actually dream of
giving it ALL up... and living as meagerly as possible
in some other country. Armed with only a laptop and
camera to record stuff. Video blog each adventure and
give up all the material bullshit. 'Cause I believe
then... then I would be that kind of happy. I can see
me uploading a great entry, being proud of it, and
going to sleep knowing I made something cool. Not
worrying about money/job/house/mate... none of it. If
IMAX hits over $20 a share (man I've never mentioned
that have I... it deserves it's own entry) I just may
do it. 'Cause I'm slowly losing my mind. And after
this week? I need a change. Badly.
Alright, let's see if I can't
walk outside in the morning without a piano dropping
on my head. That will be a good start.
