My Shizzle this is weighing on me.
How do I heal here? The video says it
all:
I'm in love with a concept that is
crushing me. What I went through these past 6
months, simply to make a positive influence on
someone's life, was not worth it. Her shit
should've been on the street in February. Whether she
meant to or not, she was hurting me. And specifically
hitting buttons with me because of my past. Not
everyone she meets/lives with will react the same, but
I did and I let it happen. Why? I knew it would be
ugly if I stopped it right then. I took responsibility
for asking her to move in and wasn't going to leave
her hanging when she lost her job. I knew that action
would force her to move back to Ohio and I couldn't be
the reason. No matter how bad it got. A couple glasses
of whiskey and I didn't hear her anymore. Temporary
band-aid, yes, but this was a temporary situation. I
have no problem putting down the glass. The 30 pounds
however will take some time. But again, this isn't
about those issues, those are easy. This is a real
concern about something that seems to be at my core:
the best endings.
It is something to be proud of,
for sure. This bizarre character trait is why I
maintain friendships with nearly every woman I've ever
been with, and why even the ones I don't... would be
hard pressed to speak badly of me. It's this belief
I have, to my core, that nearly everyone can get
along on some level. A break-up of a relationship is
not a bad thing to me anymore, it's a transition. If a
romantic relationship is a poker game, it's like two
people showing their hands to each other and realizing
they don't make a great hand together. They can't
change their cards, so when it comes to poker, these
two ain't gonna make it. But there's thousands of
other games and on some level? They can get along. If
you care enough about the person, you find out what
game you're supposed to play. And I'm happy to say
that I have several friends I play all sorts of games
with... but right now it seems, I play poker by
myself.
The problem comes with just how
fucking hard I try to figure out the other game.
The amount of mental capital I spend (which is running
low as it is LMAO) on this pursuit is unheard of. What
I did for Donna well after I knew she would end up
running away is a little insane. I seem to have zero
self-preservation mechanism in these situations. My
brain will constantly search for the solution. How can
we work? On what level can we work? What way can I
describe this to you so it makes sense? I'll do it
over and over and over. I will get worn out, go to
sleep, then start again. My patience for this routine
is remarkable... even NOW. I mean, I kept
telling ***** that I had such a short fuse for this
shit because of what I had been through in the past...
yet I said that for six fucking months. Now the
short-fuse showed up in me yelling out of
exasperation - but I never stopped trying. Even
once I had given up on it working with us (poker-wise)
I would catch myself trying to prepare her for the
relationship we could have in the future. How we can
take these moments, grow, learn more about
ourselves.
Sounds great, right? No, it isn't.
It's a sickness. Yeah, I stand-out for it... but it's
a problem. I'm losing my mind because of it. I'm so
conditioned to things ending and being disappointed I
can't trust ANYTHING. And then, instead of
giving myself space... I spend all my time on the
end-game and finding a smooth transition. I just
spent 5 days going across the country with someone
that made me lose my shit on a nearly daily basis.
Why? 'Cause it was the right ending. This "storybook
mentality" is really dangerous. Now that it's over,
and we're on speaking terms? Well, I guess it worked
out right. But to what end? I nearly threw myself
out of that car and I don't mean that figuratively.
Why am I willing to sacrifice everything for the
best possible ending?
I can't put my finger on it.
I spent yet another hour with someone very
special to me, repeating the same things I've repeated
to her ad infinitum since last year. I want so
desperately for her to understand my thought process
and how I work, that I will bash my head
against the wall repeatedly... seemingly until I'm
dead to make her (or anyone) understand. It's not
healthy. There's absolutely nothing in it for
me... but when I perceive there's a miscommunication?
I just won't stop until I can communicate. Hell
I did the same thing with Charlotte (ex-manager).
For YEARS. I mean, now,
finally, I realize we'll never see eye to
eye... but it's been 9 years people. And this wasn't
even a romantic involvement.
So what is it? How can I find a
way to let go? I mean right about now I want to tell
the world to go fuck themselves at every turn.
Seriously, Eminem songs speak fucking volumes to me
right now. But assuming that passes,
I HAVE to stop giving a fuck so much. It's
gonna kill me. The kicker though? It has almost
unanimously worked, and I gain SOOOOOOO
much from the realligned relationships I can't even
begin to tell you. Speaking with Burgundie or Jess is
like a key to my past and reminds me of who I was
and how I've changed in an instant. They are
relationships with absolutely no bias. The love is
unconditional and we give each other advice that no
one else could give. And it's not just them.
Seriously, nearly every woman I've ever mentioned on
this Journey I have the same relationship with. They
know if they call me and ask them a question, I will
help them with all of my heart. Not because I "want
them", but because I want to see them happy. All
of that is possible for one reason: we worked on the
end game. Or, hell, we knew the end game was gonna
happen before it started... and we jumped
anyway.
It's very grey. As is life... but
what I once considered a "tout from the rooftops"
character trait is presently looking anything but. And
I'm afraid that if I find myself in a difficult
situation in the future, I'm gonna cut ties in
record-time. The will is just gone. Granted, this is
coming after THE most trying period and
literally the last time I should be making
proclamations... but it sure feels like a final straw.
2010 is shaping me in fairly intense ways.
