With every moment of my life, I am
shaped and reshaped. Every devastating moment creates
more holes. Some holes I can fill, some I most
certainly cannot. I am swiss cheese. I'm barely
standing.
When I met Burg I was much more
solid. Still had a hole or two from childhood, but we
came together quite nicely. Losing that relationship
hurt us both dearly. Different holes, but holes
nonetheless. She still hasn't remarried and may never
again. I jumped a year later because I found someone
who filled that hole and to date I've never known such
an effortless tandem. And although that eventual split
would hurt in unimaginable ways, we both fought our
asses off to make it work as friends. We absolutely
are, its a beautiful story to this day, but believe
me... it shaped us both.
I feel like I could continue ad
infinitum (which is sad at my age) but the end result
is a person so punched, bruised, holy, skiddish and
sensitive, that there may only be a handful of people
on the planet that would mesh anymore.
This is what I needed to be
concerned about last fall when I let someone into my
life. I'm running out of positive outcomes for my
personal life. I used to feel I was compatible with
nearly everyone. My patience and communication skills
proved that. And my early relationships showed that.
Always friends, always smooth. But with each bad
experience I damage myself further and further. The
more I damage myself, the more I attract only damaged
people. I'm on a slippery slope and this has to be
rock bottom. Cause if I keep going like this, my only
choices for companionship are going to be my heroin
dealer and a hooker...
..and they'll probably be the same
person.
I need to STOP seeing potential in
others. Have to. A trait that is the foundation of my
career (jumping because you can see potential) is
going to be the death of me in my personal life. I
have always had that mellow attitude towards things
because I am resilient. Why not? I'll be ok... That is
just kind of engrained in me. I don't fear what I
should. Go around the world by yourself, get married
because you believe she can beat her demons, throw all
your money into a pilot because you believe it will
get picked up. I mean, I have no choice but to jump if
I want to continue my career, but with relationships?
No. I can no longer simply hope for the best with ANY
relationship, even friendships. I need to be knocked
the fuck back by someone. I need to be so impressed
and inspired and moved that I can't ignore it. No red
flags, no worrisome signs, floating downstream to such
a degree there isn't even a choice whether you keep
going... you just do, because that's the way the river
runs. And if that doesn't exist or I'm simply too
damaged to be able to float downstream? I'm alone.
Thank the fuck Christ I'm alone.
Man why do I even bother writing
in the midst of things? LOL. I know I'm gonna look
back on this and roll my eyes at all the grand
declarations I've written during this period. Even the
self-awareness that this is a "human nature" moment,
can't keep me from participating. I guess it's a
defense mechanism. I want so badly to never, ever,
ever, ever feel like this again that I have to tell my
brain that I've found "the answer" for avoidance. I
may have, but it's not as finite as I write it in
theses ramblings. How 'bout this:
Survive. Stop thinking there's a
life lesson in every fucking thing that happens.
Sometimes we make mistakes and they take 6 months to
correct. And Adam, if you were really that damaged by
all the shit you've been through? There's no way you
would've had her move in on a whim. That was one of he
more optimistic moments of your life.
Wow, that really was - wasn't
it...
Thats actually a sign that I'm not
as fucked up as I thought it was. I took a little
risk. One that unraveled within DAYS, but I still had
that attitude. The following insanity that occurred
was a perfect storm of elements you weathered. You're
literally on the road to fixing that. It would stand
to reason that these final days will test you even
further, but again survive and reassess. Stop acting
like you're this unloveable person just because your
situation has made you feel that way. Get out of it.
Focus on the end, try desperately to control your
anger, and survive. If you're hit think of the soft
touch of a friend's hand. You'll fee it soon enough.
Stop telling yourself you're a caged tiger and you're
being poked in the eye repeatedly until you finally
lash out. You are whatever you want to be. You are
whatever you want to be. You are whatever you want to
be.
If you need to? Tonight? Gather
your things, make your way to Denver and fly home.
It's only more debt. You need a miracle to save you
financially anyway, don't fret about another $200
plane ticket. Also, stop trying to think of the right
words to say to elicit a peaceful response. 'Cause
that's what is driving you so crazy. It's a trick
question, with no answer. You even asked her what the
response she wanted was, she told you, you repeated
it... and ten seconds later she laid into you again.
Understand that every single action is going to blow
up in your face. So accept that and enjoy the spice of
it. You're writing a movie script, this is your
research. You have to disengage and know that she will
call you a zombie, and yell at you for not being in a
good mood. Laugh at the irony of that. Don't point it
out. Find your power. Listen to your music. If she
hits you in the head and knocks off your headphones,
don't bonk her on her head (though a reserved kudos
for you for that bonk, but don't ever come that close
again to actually hitting a woman).... Pick them up
and put them back on and see how many times she'll do
it. If she breaks them? Who cares, they're just
headphones.
More than anything? Read these
words, over and over like a mantra. Thank the gurus at
apple for making a 10 hour battery that allows you to
do that for the entirety of the trip. Survive,
survive, survive.
And remember this, you've no doubt
thinned the herd. But that's a good thing. Think about
it, you knew within a handful of days that this wasn't
gonna work. That's because of 3 lifetimes of
experience. You tried everything possible to see it
through and find a peaceful co-existence. Even with a
shortened fuse you were STILL more patient than most
men would've been, and you have gone so far as to even
help her move back. You're not stupid, you're not
repeating mistakes (no I'm finding new and more
spectacular ways to fail - LOL)… you have
integrity. Not exactly sure what the fuck that's good
for in the long run… but it sounds good on
paper…. Errr iPad. So survive. Survive. Survive.
