It's gone folks.
I mean... I don't know how else to put it.
Gone. The drive is done. I don't care at ALL anymore.
And it's not a bad day, we're pushing a year of
this... and nothing excites me. 20,000 views on the
iPad Comic barely makes me want to do another one. For
what? I just don't care.
The problem is?
I don't care about anything. Losing my
house? I'll be homeless in Italy or some shit. I don't
care about The Journey, don't care about this entry...
it's blind routine that has me even typing these
sentences. In your eleventh year, you're on
auto-pilot. I kinda wanted an entry in between FOUR
episodes (which have been done since March, so none of
this is new to me) so here we are. And this entry's
video? ***** made the joke while we were watching ESPN
and I just threw it together 'cause it made me
laugh.
It's a smirk.
But goddamn
I need a jump start. I'm just completely burned
out. I don't want to move, don't care if I die...
don't care about anything. Scary right? I don't
mean to scare anyone - I mean, I'm in no danger as
doing something drastic would actually take some sort
of MOTIVATION. I should make a voice-over reel. Yup. I
should. I just... ugh. Don't even want to finish the
thoughts in this paragraph. LOL.
So what does it?
What makes it come back? A shake-up in my home life is
imminent at the end of this month, and I'll finally
write openly about that in July. I know that's
had a lot to do with how I feel, but it's not all
of it. Really just the perfect storm I've written
about in previous (probably still locked) entries. But
it really feels like more than that. I've never wanted
to be more detatched from life... ever. But I'm too
cheap to even consider the good drugs. Heh. No I'll
just get fat and care even less.
I do go to my
auditions whenever the agent calls. And I do get
excited, and have gotten several callbacks though I
haven't booked anything. It is nice to know you even
belong in the same breath... but goddamn I just
don't care. I want a steady job and a couple of kids.
I want that connection with a woman that makes you
move mountains. Man, remember that? You never want to
"live" for someone else, I know all the dangers
in that... but goddamn some connections make you a
better man. It's just true. In the same way having
kids sometimes just changes your life for the better.
That's where I am right now. I am
SOOOOOOOO SICK of the self-centeredness of my
life. I just can't bare to do this fucking
project anymore. I just want to say:
"IT DIDN'T WORK.
I DIDN'T MAKE IT.
LEAVE ME ALONE."
Then a tiny little
voice in me says: "Just keep writing and shooting
Adam... at some point, you'll be glad you didn't
quit." And here I am, in front of my keyboard tapping
at the keys without even thinking. It's gonna kill me.
That's my concern. I need someone to rationally give
me an "out". A way I can feel "whole" while letting
the dreams slip away. Because the longer I stay in,
the more jaded and angry I get. And then add in the
home-life? I'm SNAPPING. And that's if my body can
even muster the energy to snap. I'm a zombie 95% of
the time. I've just never been so unhappy, and now I'm
scared of even getting the break because, once again,
all my happiness will be wrapped up in the break.
The routine
changes in about a week. Here's hopin'. I need
something.
Adam
PS - Toy Story 3 was perfect.
Scary as balls for kids, but for the rest of us...
perfect. Thank you, Pixar.
