Entry #1052
4:35 PM, June 18th, 2010:
It's gone folks. I mean... I don't know how else to put it. Gone. The drive is done. I don't care at ALL anymore. And it's not a bad day, we're pushing a year of this... and nothing excites me. 20,000 views on the iPad Comic barely makes me want to do another one. For what? I just don't care.
The problem is? I don't care about anything. Losing my house? I'll be homeless in Italy or some shit. I don't care about The Journey, don't care about this entry... it's blind routine that has me even typing these sentences. In your eleventh year, you're on auto-pilot. I kinda wanted an entry in between FOUR episodes (which have been done since March, so none of this is new to me) so here we are. And this entry's video? ***** made the joke while we were watching ESPN and I just threw it together 'cause it made me laugh.
It's a smirk.
But goddamn I need a jump start. I'm just completely burned out. I don't want to move, don't care if I die... don't care about anything. Scary right? I don't mean to scare anyone - I mean, I'm in no danger as doing something drastic would actually take some sort of MOTIVATION. I should make a voice-over reel. Yup. I should. I just... ugh. Don't even want to finish the thoughts in this paragraph. LOL.
So what does it? What makes it come back? A shake-up in my home life is imminent at the end of this month, and I'll finally write openly about that in July. I know that's had a lot to do with how I feel, but it's not all of it. Really just the perfect storm I've written about in previous (probably still locked) entries. But it really feels like more than that. I've never wanted to be more detatched from life... ever. But I'm too cheap to even consider the good drugs. Heh. No I'll just get fat and care even less.
I do go to my auditions whenever the agent calls. And I do get excited, and have gotten several callbacks though I haven't booked anything. It is nice to know you even belong in the same breath... but goddamn I just don't care. I want a steady job and a couple of kids. I want that connection with a woman that makes you move mountains. Man, remember that? You never want to "live" for someone else, I know all the dangers in that... but goddamn some connections make you a better man. It's just true. In the same way having kids sometimes just changes your life for the better. That's where I am right now. I am SOOOOOOOO SICK of the self-centeredness of my life. I just can't bare to do this fucking project anymore. I just want to say: "IT DIDN'T WORK. I DIDN'T MAKE IT. LEAVE ME ALONE."
Then a tiny little voice in me says: "Just keep writing and shooting Adam... at some point, you'll be glad you didn't quit." And here I am, in front of my keyboard tapping at the keys without even thinking. It's gonna kill me. That's my concern. I need someone to rationally give me an "out". A way I can feel "whole" while letting the dreams slip away. Because the longer I stay in, the more jaded and angry I get. And then add in the home-life? I'm SNAPPING. And that's if my body can even muster the energy to snap. I'm a zombie 95% of the time. I've just never been so unhappy, and now I'm scared of even getting the break because, once again, all my happiness will be wrapped up in the break.
The routine changes in about a week. Here's hopin'. I need something.
PS - Toy Story 3 was perfect. Scary as balls for kids, but for the rest of us... perfect. Thank you, Pixar.