- Entry
#1045
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- 11:19 AM, May
26th, 2010:
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- It's starting to sink in, that
I've always had this inside me, and that something is
a little off in my brain. I remember having
suicidal thoughts when I was a teenager. Then when I
found music/entertainment - it never came up again.
That is, until 2002. The Charlotte fiasco, the
pressure of this project. The overwhelming nature of
everything, suddenly I was there. For real this time.
But I got past it. I understood why, I found
myself in the art on the site, and knew I'd never get
there again.
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- A third time however? Something
isn't wired right. When I daydream? I picture a gun in
my mouth and try to imagine what the metal tastes
like. I'm being as honest as I can possibly be right
now even though I know how devastating that sentence
is. I have to reiterate though, it's completely
sub-conscious. I just catch myself thinking about it.
This is really bad. The home situation is worse by the
second, though it seems we're now 30 days away from it
being over. This is locked, might as well continue
from the other locked entries.
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- Jesus, mother-fucking christ
everything is a fight. I want to take some
responsibility here because I know I'm in a shitty
place, but for crying out loud this isn't me. It just
isn't me. I'm in my office, working on stuff, enjoying
the day and BOOM - in comes ***** starting shit.
Bringing up past fights, starting arguments... within
5 minutes we're in it and I look up and go: "What was
I doing?". It's constant, every day or every other
day. I've noticed lately she acts like a younger
"Livia" from The Sopranos. Now I don't mean she'd try
to kill her children - LOL - but there's that same
tone of: "Oh poor you..." that comes out where she
undermines you, belittles you, is mean, viscious...
it's unreal. And I keep wondering why the fuck I'm
still helping her? Granted, she pays rent so it's not
completely altruistic, but it ain't worth this shit.
Of course now she's out of money - and I think that
will finally end this. She'll have to move home as
even the jobs in Nashville she interviewed for have
not panned out. Empathetically my heart just breaks
for what she's going through. I try so goddamned hard
to be patient but she spits such venom at me, blaming
me... just being miserable to me - that I'm still
trying to understand why I didn't put her shit on the
curb in February. You know? ESPECIALLY after the
lesson learned with Donna. So patient, so helpful to
her, handed my nervous system to her because
I knew it was the right thing to do, and the
eventually she would understand and we'd at least have
a friendship. Really? A lot of good that did you. Even
MORE heartache as she ignores you. Great move
Adam.
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- So what's in it for me to keep
taking the abuse? And am I just a big pussy for words
hurting me this much? Is it just a character flaw that
I can't take it? I always think of me and Jess, and we
would never actually try and hurt each other. I mean,
ever. We would bite our tongue, or if anything slipped
out - we would bend over backwards to apologize,
because we felt the hit in our stomachs as if it
happened to US. You know? That's what I thought
relationships were. Was that just rare? Do other
people get in arguments and try to hurt each other as
much as possible, and then apologize later? 'Cause I
can't fucking do that shit. ***** has said so many
hurtful things to me, and the same things come up
every single argument - so it's clear that she
actually means them. She may apologize, but she
continues to tell me how fucked up I am, and what
a loser I am. I know she's trying to hurt me...
and it works. It just does. I feel like a loser, have
felt like a loser this entire year... and then my past
divorces come up. Even in the argument I'll say to her
"I know I have issues, what is your point? I've
never said this was all you, but it doesn't change the
fact that we don't get along. Why does fault matter?"
It's just, so, MEAN. I feel worthless all the
time...
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- ...and then I'm supposed to sit
here and act like me being suicidal has nothing to do
with her? UGH. I'm so torn here. Clearly, the fact
that it has entered my mind - multiple times
throughout my life - shows that there is something in
my brain, wired for this sort of depression. And truth
be told, some medication would probably help. But, no
offense, right now? My goal is to clear my life of the
negative energy that is pulling me down so fast I can
barely see straight. I'm not saying I'll be OK after
that, but I have to get there, and re-assess then. And
if things are substantially better? I need to realize
what triggers these situations and learn to avoid
them. Thankfully, the current triggers are in my
control and can be changed. My concern is when I'm in
a situation that really is out of my control. I'm
gonna have to get help. I'm gonna have to do
something.
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- Then again, is there any man that
can be poked and poked and poked and poked and poked
and poked and poked and poked without lashing out?
Without feeling hopeless?
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- That man is no longer me. Jesus,
how did this Journey get so bad so quick?
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- Adam
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