- Entry
#1041
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- 3:22 PM, May 13th,
2010:
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- Several people thought I was crazy
to leave radio and come to LA. Several more people
thought I was crazy to continue after 2000. When I
was uber-depressed in 2002 and dragging Jess down with
me? Even more people (including Jess) thought I was
crazy to not just go back. When I let her go back in
2004? All but two people thought I was out of my
mind.
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- And we haven't even gotten to the
career letdowns which from 2006-2009 are so stunning
and heartbreaking I don't have the energy to repeat
them. I think there's a website that chronicles all
of it. Every single step of the way, to the majority
of people, I have been insane to continue to fight
this battle. I've never agreed. I've always
explained that it's just in me… and I have to
press on. It's who I am. Now, however, I'm in a
state much like 2002, yet 8 years older, and I am
really struggling. A couple days ago I finally
figured out why: It's the first time I've ever agreed
with all those people.
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- I look down the road and only see
insanity. That is what I'm struggling with. It is
crazy to continue to sacrifice my happiness to achieve
some undefined goal at this point. I didn't think
that during the last ten years. Suddenly, now, that
veil is gone. But are you ready for the kicker? The
part that means I may have already passed the point of
no return? Oh this sucks…
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- …if I don't continue? I'll
be just as crazy. I'll be bitter, resentful, angry.
I haven't the slightest idea how to let this go and
not be an angry, bitter person. There really are two
choices: Success or Insanity. And each moment that
I'm without direction? I fall further into this kind
of blackness. It happened in 2008-2009 before Comedy
Central. Same patterns are happening, but it gets
progressively worse. And I don't see a viable option
out. Doesn't mean there isn't one… but I cannot
see a way to maintain any sort of happiness following
this dream. Because the highs are just too high, and
the crash always comes eventually.
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- The best way to combat this is
understanding how fortunate I am, and being thankful
for the freedom I have. Even if it's the freedom to
fail publically ad infinitum. So many don't have
that. So I ran away to join the circus and the circus
doesn't want me… there's a bit of romance in
that. But I only live in the romantic clouds on this
site. I can't operate like that. I always operate on
logic. Projects that I believe in. Clear direction
is crack to me. May-November last year was so
unbelievable. But I have to find a way to maintain
sanity in the valleys of this ride.
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- Of course this valley is unlike
anything I've ever known, from the exhausting
situation at home to the stalker to the money
situation… someone's testing me at the moment -
and even if I win? What the fuck do I win? LOL.
That's the kicker. Yes, I've put together an amazing
10 years. Completely inspiring, stronger than anyone
I know of - incredible perseverance. Congrats Adam!
You're the winner of absolute MISERY. And now, even
if you continue? Even YOU think you're crazy and
irresponsible.
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- Adam
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- PS - Now this is more like it. I
saved this entry, went to my email and got a callback
for my TiVo audition from last month (that was
supposed to shoot 2 weeks ago - I guess something
didn't work out). It's just a callback, step one of
usually several, but I actually believe in this one.
And the wonderful thing about callbacks is you
actually get direction. The first being, I have to
shave again. :-)
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