Awwwwwwww. I'm gonna be the
strangest uncle for this kid to understand... ever.
Like, my mom even said on Jess's facebook page - "Does
this make me kind of an ex-Grandma?" It's moments like
these that you remember why you worked so hard to
maintain friendships and understand the true meaning
of the word: "Love". It's why Burgundie writing
congratulations as well as my step-mother... just
makes you want to tear up. I would never want to miss
these moments and share in the lives of people I love
dearly... that for one reason or another meant being
separate. It does take work though, and so few are
willing to put that in. Jess and I have, will continue
to, and it's moments like this that make it
worthwhile. Not sure I'll ever know a more pure
friendship...
...oh I can say that NOW. Heh.
Talk to me last month when I found out? Well, after I
stopped weeping like a 4 year old, I would have been
hard pressed to see the positives here. This news
caught me at such a bad place in my life and
thankfully I was able to write THAT entry, LOCK that
entry, and now announce it with that song. 'Cause the
initial reaction was just very, very difficult. Some
of you understand why, but some of you are baffled and
may need an explanation.
It has NOTHING to do with wishing
we were still together and EVERYTHING to do with where
I am at the moment. And, as I said in the locked
entry, "I knew it would happen sooner or later... I
just wasn't aware that it was later." It's a big
fuckin mirror and right about now? Not wanting to see
it. Especially when I would consider going back to
Ohio if I had something to go back to Ohio for. Yeah,
that's right, I'm in THAT state right now. I couldn't
have in 2004, too many unanswered questions. But now?
Different story. I'll get into all that in another
entry... but I'm really spinning, really lost. And
then BAM: "Jess is having a baby".
That was last month though, and
I've sat with it a bit... and honestly? I'm just so
goddamned happy for her my own "woe is me" complex
can't break down that barrier. It's literally all
she's ever wanted. Since the moment I met her. And she
has it with a wonderful husband, her family a stone's
throw away... it worked out. The sacrifice we made so
many years ago really worked out for her and I beam at
the thought of her pregnant. It really is one of the
most overwhelmingly proud moments I've experienced in
such a long time. This bitter motherfucker typing
right now? Could've been a really bitter husband and
father. Whew. The heartbreak of that scenario is
unthinkable. I knew it then, we both sucked it up and
made the hardest choice of our life -- and it worked.
Granted, the whole thing is a bit one-sided at the
moment, but the alternative outcome was NOT one-sided.
Everyone would've lost, and lost BIG. She WON big and
I just want to jump up and down, high-five Jeff, and
support them in any way humanly possible. YAY. YAY.
YAY.
And yes, I have realized that this
Journey may become a weekly "Happy Birthday" song to a
million little kids that I will never have myself, but
so be it. It's fun. I love kids, I'm excited as HELL
to watch Jess and Jeff go through this process and am
just ecstatic that SOMETHING I've done in the past
decade was the right choice. And please understand
that it was never the immature-kick-the-dirt "you'd be
better off without me" attitude that made that choice.
It was simply love. It was: "I love you to death, I
cannot see you be miserable, go be you..." And she is,
they are - and my goodness will that child ever know
how much they are loved?
We'll be sure to tell HIM won't
we? Ha. I know, I know - you never want to scream from
the mountaintops "DAD WANTED A BOY!!!!" in the fear
that it's a girl... but sheeeeeeeit, the story is
always the same. Dad wants a boy, closer they get to
the date, he just wants a healthy child, and in the
end loves the kid unconditionally. I would be exactly
the same. Jeff, just know, there are some pretty
badass "Girl Gamers" out there. And seriously - the
kid doesn't have a shot with you two. I'd be surprised
if you didn't insist on playing Halo: Reach with a
speaker next to Jess's stomach. Kid needs to learn
priorities.
;)
Anyway, congratulations to you
both. Cannot wait to follow this adventure with
you!
