"The fight". That
intangible symbol of The Journey that is waning in me
right now to such a degree, the end seems a foregone
conclusion. I thought I had it nailed. I was
sure I had mastered the balance needed to
maintain the fight and my own sanity, but now it's
clear that it's eating me alive.
I've had a few
people respond to the previous entry wondering if this
is really "it", or if I'm just down, etc. And
I need to reiterate that there's never going to
be a grand announcement. I'm reporting what already
is. I'm expressing an overview of the past 6 months
and a self-awareness that my fight is gone, and for
the first time - I just don't care that it's
gone. And as I try to come to terms with that,
I happen upon an absolute gut-check that provides
some perspective. The video is simply where I'm
at...
Christ seeing me
without ambition or fight is excruciating. Strolling
through the end with indifference I've never had in my
life. And then out of nowhere
I get an unexpected and
vivid look into someone else's life. I have to be
honest, there's no way to write this entry without it
kinda pissin' this person off. There will be no
mention of names, but if the person happens upon this
entry, they'll know who I'm talking about. All
I can do here - is be honest and apply it to my
personal feelings, and not judge... but this moment
absolutely smacked me like a 2x4 and it is the essence
of this lifelong journal.
I had a video-shooting/editing gig
yesterday that required me to be in Laguna Beach at
8:30 am which during rush hour turns a 90 minute
commute into well over three hours. I contacted a
guy I knew in the area and asked if I could
couch-surf. We don't know each other THAT well, but
thankfully because of my life being so public? I'm a
pretty safe-risk for most people to do a favor for.
It's one of the few advantages to having every detail
so painfully transparent. I'd be hard pressed to be an
axe murderer (though hmmm, that's a good set-up for a
serial killer movie isn't it...). ANYWAY. He said no
problem, and I hung out with him a bit when
I got there just talking about industry stuff.
He's a likeable guy, and we share
similar entertainment dreams. The difference however
is he's 5 years older than me and has a wife and 2
kids. It's kind of a window into what I'm missing at
the moment... but also a mirror at what I have as
well: the freedom to make choices for myself since I
(fortunately or unfortunately depending on the day)
don't have those responsibilities. The one pink
elephant in the room however was that he doesn't have
a job... and hasn't had a job for years. He was
concentrating on his career. It was a stress in the
relationship with his wife to say the least, and when
I first met him and his wife it certainly came
up. What I thought was just playful tension about
his lack of job, turns out to be a massive issue. He
didn't have one, wasn't looking for one, was intent on
making it. I figured that would be it for the "Ghost
of Christmas Future" as I had to get up early to
go to my gig. Boy was I wrong. What transpired
the next day was absolutely gut-wrenching.
It started at 5am with his wife
bringing the youngest kid, 3, downstairs - getting him
breakfast and dealing with the guy that was on the
couch. Heh. I had met the wife beforehand, but it
still entered my mind that this was awkward since the
kids don't know me. Adorable kids though.
Laughing and having fun. We talked about Lightening
McQueen (the sheets I was laying on) and
I loved every second of it. Kids are about as
pure and fun as it gets. The wife was hurrying because
she had to get to her first job. The
mother-in-law comes downstairs and I'm trying to put
all the pieces of the puzzle together on 4 hours of
sleep. Cutting to the chase: the wife has three jobs,
her mother is there for the week to help her daughter
with work around the house, laundry, etc. which is
unthinkable considering the, uhm, husband not only
doesn't have a job - only works at his career... like
once a month. I went to my gig and returned to
the apartment afterwards while I waited to get a
call about where I was meeting some people from
the gig for dinner/drinks. And this is when things got
heart-breaking...
The mother-in-law was taking care
of the boys (who were playing Mario Kart and of course
I jumped in on that shit). I had never
played Mario Kart Wii, which basically made me an
Idiot-Savant to these kids as I proceeded to whoop
their asses at a game I had never even picked up. Oh
how my 1997 N64 Mario Kart skills have come in handy.
The kids ended up going to bed and I sat with the
mother-in-law, who clearly needed someone to
talk to. She assumed I knew her son-in-law much
better than I did. I've only met him and his wife
once, and a handful of emails since. She desperately
wanted some answer - or direction on how to make him
understand the importance of getting a job after
FOUR YEARS. Even part-time teaching guitar
lessons, etc. I don't mean this dude hasn't had a
9-5 in 4 years, I mean he hasn't had any
income... at all.
I sat there just overwhelmed
with the situation. Of course I applied it to my
life. It really opened my eyes to character traits
that I possess that make me who I am. For
example, even without 2 kids? Simply being married
triggered a "Team" mentality of wanting to not
only pull my weight, but feeling guilty that my wife
ever had to go through ANY hardship because of my
career. Watching Jess work so hard knowing she wanted
a family and to be back in Ohio? Ate at me. I loved
her so much and wanted her to be happy sooooooooooo
much - that I sacrificed our relationship because
of that. At no time did I think of my own
financial or emotional well-being - that would have
been selfish. And believe it or not, no matter how
narcisstic this "Journey" may seem? It's a
product of my environment. Meaning, if I had a
wife and kids? The scene would COMPLETELY
shift.
As far as the situation I was
experiencing in Laguna Beach, there's not a whole lot
to add. If your wife working 3 jobs, her getting
pregnant, having the kid, her getting pregnant again,
having a 2nd kid, having 3 years pass with TWO kids...
and having absolutely zero success -- ever -- in your
career doesn't make you reassess things? Nothing is
going to. And the fact that it got to that point?
Means those in the situation absolutely enabled it to
happen. It doesn't lessen how unbelieveably sad it is
to watch from a distance. And I have to say? It
makes me appreciate "The Journey" a LOT more. The
Journey is based on self-awareness. The act of being
honest, publically, about your life, your
relationships, your career? There is some
accountability. I'm pretty sure this guy in question
doesn't want advice and at no time wants to look in
the mirror because it would scare the fuck out of him.
Thus, you kinda lose touch with reality. You have no
choice but to be grounded if you document your life
like I do. There are a seemingly un-ending list
of negatives with it right about now, but one of them
certainly isn't: "Head in the clouds". And
I walked away from the situation yesterday
incredibly thankful that I had a mechanism like
The Journey that could never, ever, ever allow the
scene I had just witnessed to happen to me. In
fact, I had to RUN from that place to avoid
some superman complex from taking over because
I wanted to help so badly. Thankfully I was
able to detatch and take the lesson for what it was,
and move on.
I am a good man and I seem to have
forgotten that this year. I may take risks that others
feel are irresponsible, but they are investments in
me... and only affect me. I would never in a million
years continue to hurt the ones I love by actions
I can control. It's why I will be hesitant to
even be in a relationship from now until I either have
success in my career or have come to terms with the
end of the dream. It's not fair to the other person.
I know that at my CORE. It is who I am. It
defined me when I was with Jessica.
I absolutely love that about me, and am proud of
how strong I was in that situation and in
situations since. I gave my nervous system to
Donna to the detriment of my career... no doubt. But
that's what you do when you're married. You
give.
...and they're supposed to give
back. When they don't however? The road to unhappiness
is one breath away.
Anyway - powerful day. To those in
the situation, my heart goes out to you all and I hope
they find the strength to fix the situation. It will
involve incredibly difficult decisions.
