'Cause that's how I feel, that's
why. Don't sit there and scold me on how I should
treat a fucking stalker. You have no idea what I feel
like… no, in fact - you do: Shoot me. Jjust
fuckin' do it. You have my address, you've linked
others to it - so come on by man. I'm writing my last
entry now, it'll be a good way to go. 'Cause I'm sick
of this shit. You lost your girlfriend? And you're
acting like this? I've been through 3 public divorces
and hundreds of career moments in between - lost them
all. But go ahead, be a man and COME ON OUT. Dress up
in your fucking ren-fair dress and, I don't know -
strike me down? Slay thee?
The timing of this is just
remarkable. At a time when I'm as lost as I've ever
been, I'm now losing the only things I thought I
actually had. And these fucking kids on Wikipedia.
Wow. The dude impersonates me, asks them to put my
page back up for nomination of deletion - they DO, and
now they've deleted it completely. Even though I wrote
to the admin that I was in the midst of a stalking
case, even though I gave them proof that it wasn't me,
that it was a fake username, etc. They never responded
to what I wrote, acted like it was me the entire time,
and now deleted it all together. It's about as
professional as… well, Wikipedia. And that's why
this is so frustrating, 'cause as much as people joke
about how shitty Wikipedia is? Everyone still uses it.
Welcome to the 21st Century where standards and
practices go out the window.
And I know egging on the stalker
is not a good idea, but honestly? That's the essence
of The Journey. I don't sit and plot out how something
will make me look… I post what things FEEL like.
And I'm not exaggerating when I say - Dude? Shoot me.
Get it fucking over with. I am powerless to stop you.
You're not gonna get a lot of resistance from me right
now. I just want it on tape at this point. To say I'm
burnt out on life is to say the least. Constantly
fighting every single person for any recognition gets
old after 10 years and now that someone has publically
stated he wants me to die? Ok. The police in Virginia
are failing to help, the system is broken. It rewards
the aggressor, not the victim. Why even get mad? I
just don't care. It's an absolute apathy. I can no
longer get excited about shit - no one in the industry
is excited about anything. Having Steve Friedman
ignore me after repeated emails over the past couple
of months is just… it's not even unique. No one
gives a fuck. They see me as "past his prime" and
don't even feel compelled to write me a few words to
express THAT. Easier to just ignore
everything.
<About 3 hours pass,
I'm drunk>
Being ignored is such an
incredible feeling though. You know? Just remarkable
how that eats at you. Telling the Wikipedia admin:
"Oh, dude, you made a mistake, that was my stalker
impersonating me, I didn't want the page back
up…" and having him never respond? That's
Showbiz. Having Steve Friedman, the only man who has
EVER given me a legitimate break, ignore the DVD I
sent (though he admitted he got it…) and ignore
every email I've sent since? That's the epitome of The
Journey unfortunately. The last people you'd EVER
think would hurt you, or be disrespectful - or just
plain inconsiderate and mean… are. Friedman
doesn't surprise me too much, in all honesty - during
the 2nd season of The Egos I was losing my mind that I
would get ZERO response to everything I was doing each
week. Though, each week I pushed it more and more and
more to the point of it not being POSSIBLE for it to
be ignored… yet it was. At the time I just
figured it was because he was going through his own
shit - he was weeks away from being fired - but
clearly he lost faith in me. He started his company,
what, 2 years ago? Since that time I have done a
remarkable amount on my own - from getting an agent,
to getting the comedy central pilot - to producing the
entire thing by myself… not sure what more he
would need to elicit at least an email from me…
yet he ignores everything I send. Clearly, he doesn't
believe I "have it" anymore - even though SINCE he
said that to me? The infamous "I want to be known for
discovering you Adam…" I have delivered so above
and beyond what was asked it's inconceiveable.
Somewhere along the way he stopped being in my corner.
But he's one of a dozen. Little by
litte, people drop off like flies. The influx of
support and excitememnt during Comedy Central? Gone.
No one wants to follow this drivel now - I DON'T EVEN
WANT TO FOLLOW THIS. I am so SICK of repeating
patterns. But it's not IN ME to be blindly optimistic.
It just isn't. I can only keep pushing, keep trying,
keep scheming, keep creating - and hope something
sticks. But filling the pages of this journey with
brain washing shit telling myself how much I believe?
Fuck that. I BELIEVE I want to curl up and die.
Watching this fucking loser take everything that meant
anything to me? I want to give up. I want him to come
out here and shoot me. I want to go THERE and find
HIM. I want to hurt him. Hell - me and the ex should
make a sex tape and print up pictures - paste them all
over his work to make him lose HIS mind. Why not? If
he's gonna frighten me, if he's gonna show me that he
has my address and fuck with me? I might as well go
out swinging. Me and the ex should fuck on the roof of
his car and have him catch us. With a camera crew
there. There's a great Journey Video. Let's watch him
actually break the fuck down. If me doing absolutely
nothing has made him this crazy? Imagine what THAT
would do. The writer in me is just swimming with funny
scenarios. I mean, I hadn't spoken to this woman since
1998 and he's destroyed something I've worked how long
for? Let's see his cerebral cortex split in half when
he sees that my cock is twice the size of his. I mean
if he's gonna come out here and put a bullet in my
brain. Let's at least have some fun with it, right?
Christ I'm losing my mind. How do
I stop the pain? How do I find my way again? Can you
tell I've had too much of that drink, yet? I made a
2nd one since I started writing this. Anything to numb
this out of control feeling. I get cyber-bullying laws
now. I understand how those girls could commit suicide
as people piled on over and over and over - and posted
it publically. It feels like the world is caving in.
It feels like I've lost everything I've ever worked
for - even though a part of my brain knows that's not
true. My heart feels like it is. I have no support
from the people that could actually help me.. and at
ALL the times in my life? Why did this have to happen
in 2010? Why? I'm gonna lose it all. I'm gonna just
lose my house and run away. Fucking go to Africa - and
just give it all up. I'm on the edge. I'm…
just… that fucking prick. You fucking prick. I
HADNT SPOKEN TO HER IN 12 YEARS YOU FUCKING PSYCHO.
YOU LOST A GIRLFRIEND OF, what 5 months? Do you know
what I've lost? DO you know how strong I've been? How
many heartbreaks I've lived - AND SHARED - how much
egg is on MY FACE? And then I get to deal with YOU?
You should be asking for MY HELP. You should be
reading these entries. You should be taking in all the
heartache I've seen and be amazed that I'm still
standing - instead you ADD to my pain. You take away
something I've fought for for years. You laugh and
tell the world you want to see me commit suicide. And
you know what? I'll add to your happiness. Because I
won't hide this. I won't hide this OBVIOUSLY drunk
rant that shows how much you've hurt me. This is The
Journey. This is what you've done to me. I will do the
opposite of what is good for me and share this…
and you will use it and hurt me more. It's a never
ending cycle. The Journey by it's very nature begets
more abuse. Being this open with your feelings only
hurts you more. THIS IS WHY IT'S COURAGOUS to do this
for 10+ years. This is where I should stop. It's
hurting me.
But I won't. I will post this. And
then I will write the fucking FOUR ENTRY next as if
nothing happened because it's on auto-pilot. What I
want doesn't matter, I have to serve this GODDAMNED
STORY.
I'm gonna fly to Virginia. I know
where he works, his home address, his cell phone -
everything. Let's confront him, shall we? Let's make
The Journey interesting? Let's turn a bad thing into
an EXTRAORDINARILY BAD THING just to see what his
reaction is when I walk into his job with a video
camera.
