Entry #1029
11:11 AM, April 23rd, 2010:
Man. I know, I should have the interview up already - it's been over a week. It's going to need to be in 3 parts though, and it's just a lot of work. It's mostly edited but I have to write about shit I'm going through now...
It's a pretty intense time career-wise. No, that's way too minor. I haven't the slightest idea what I'm supposed to do. All The Journey has done is show me what I CAN do. And even that just confuses the issue. No, I need to know what area of entertainment I'm supposed to be in. I feel like it doesn't exist. Isn't that bizarre. I mean, yeah that makes sense. I felt the need to do 4tvs when it didn't exist. I felt the need to do a video blog before it existed. It stands to reason that "what I'm supposed to do" doesn't presently exist. I know I have it in me to tell stories that people enjoy experiencing... but in what area will it actually work mainstream? That's the issue at hand.
I've long understood that I would be Andy Kaufman before I was Andy Samberg. I actually like that. I'm amazed at Kaufman, and kinda indifferent to Samberg. I know he's funny (Saturday Night Live btw), I know he has talent, but it personally doesn't speak to me. Because of that? Because I don't have a pulse on that specific type of humor? I will be niche. And again, I've understood that for awhile. The Egos, if I ever had the chance to really do it? Would become far more introspective and thought provoking than laugh out loud funny. Even watching the Egos episodes from CBS... they avoid the obvious gags the majority of the time. And that really isn't gonna help you mainstream. Yet, I have no choice. It's me. And the honest-to-goodness truth is? I'm not funny. I can BE funny. I'm not saying I'm UNfunny. But at my core? I'm what's represented in The Journey movie/show I did in January. And that fucker wasn't funny. LOL. It was moving, it was unique, it was a viable piece of entertainment... but it's not mainstream funny, even when it tries to be funny. There's a bitterness to my "comedy". A very biting underbelly that while incredibly interesting? Is lost on nearly everyone and detracts from the "funny". Christ, where was I?
Kaufman before Samberg. Now, the thing is? Kaufman found a way to be mainstream, even if it made him crazy 'cause it wasn't really "him". That gave him the vehicle to do what was in him. How do I do that? What avenue gets me success? Where do I belong? And for those who don't get Kaufman, it's all about emotion. Getting the audience to feel. It's the hardest thing to do and Andy was one of the best. Now, he made the audience hate him... He drove them crazy. He frustrated them to a level where they would leave the auditorium... but that's the point. He deeply affected them. It's why other performers sit in awe. It's something we can't do. There's a part in the first Trinitrons show, where I act like I fucked up the line and have to rewind the tape. It's a gag, and the TVs make fun of "Live Adam", but for about 10 seconds - the audience has this "hush". And every single person thinks you're the worst performer ever. They think you're completely unprofessional, and the energy in the room is almost unbearable... for 10 seconds. Even though I know they're gonna get the joke in a few moments? My skin would crawl every single time. Andy Kaufman lived for that. He thrived off it. He found ways to get more of it. He did a show where he read The Great Gatsby to a full audience expecting to see the character he played on Taxi. At first they laughed, then they realized he wasn't stopping... and he never stopped. Every single person left the auditorium. I know that sounds insane. I know that seems like something anyone can do? But I assure you, it's not. Even thinking about doing that puts my stomach in knots. And I love that. That's why I love The Journey movie so much. You feel a roller coaster when you watch it. It's legitimately moving. It is such a raw open wound that you are affected by it. It's not afraid to be completely self-centered. Completely arrogant. How can it not be? I'm not a dolt, I understand how remarkably egotistical it is to make an autobiographical movie of your own life and invite people to see it. But I'm willing to be that clown... 'cause it feels right. There is a rarity there...
...but I'll be damned if I know what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life. You go where the response is... but when there's no response? You spin. It's getting worse as I get older however, because every day affects my self-esteem. And it's far worse than my career. I don't have faith in my ability to be happy long-term... ever. I have no family, I have no career, I have no way to support anything... I gave it all up to join the circus, and the circus doesn't want me. And instead of hiding that? I post it on the internet. Further helping my 'cause. (sigh). A remarkable catch-22.
That thing is, it does bring you back to "The Journey" as what defines me, but the bottom line? People can't handle The Journey but in small doses. It's too overwhelming. It's too sad. It's too heartbreaking. And worst of all? It's too repetitive. We get it, you're a struggling artist. A struggling artist that now moves into the "pathetic" realm because you turn 35 this year. Ya get why the wikipedia shit took so much out of me? Christ I haven't even mentioned that yet.
The page stayed up because there was "no consensus". Which means it will be nominated again at some point and if I haven't done enough to prove my case then? I get taken down. Whatever. I just don't care right now. Thankfully the stalker stopped vandalizing the page, but it's just a matter of time. But what was so trying about that whole thing was there is an ounce of truth to it all. I'm not notable enough. I mean I believe I"m notable enough for Wikipedia... but I'm woefully underachieving my potential. And no matter how psychotic the stalker was? He hurt because he's hitting my weaknesses. Granted, he said in one rant that I had no talent and all my stuff looked like a high school production. Which in my insecurity made me want to link him to cool shit. LOL. So he's clearly a bt off there... but my failures are out there for the world to see. My choice. And you know what? Like everyone else, I DO want desperately to hide them. I hate it. I hate that my life really is a series of heartbreaks without happy endings. No matter how hard I try, no matter how romantic I spin it? It's there in black and white. My hard-work and determination hasn't been rewarded. It hasn't stopped me from trying, but I'm out of ideas. I'm out of money. I'm out of everything. I'm envious of has-beens because at least they "were". Ooh, that's a good status update. I'm lost. I have no identity.
And everything else in my life that I HAVEN'T mentioned? Is worse. Add to that an audition I have today for:
"Comedy, Improv, experience a MUST!! He's a fit, bright tech geek, early adopter, energetic, snarky, and TiVo expert! We are immediately drawn to his energy and knowledge. His enthusiasm for the product and the premiere interface is catching. He delivers his lines with a clean, crisp stand-up comedy confidence. Think a young Dennis Leary or Lewis Black or Daniel Tosh"
Add to that that every audition I'm on they bring up my goatee and my willingness to shave it off. Throw on a pair of glasses, and that leads to this:
This bizarre mix of Cameron and Adam, and one I may have to just bite the bullet and become if I hope to ever get booked in a commercial. Although the goatee is "me", it's also 1996. I look a lot younger completely shaven (although I am now 20 pounds over my Comedy Central weight, and that shows BIG TIME when you shave)... but with less weight and no facial hair - I add years to my ability to keep fighting the fight. Man, you know I'm lost when I'm considering completely shaving all of my facial hair. UGH. Such a bizarre industry that makes you consider looking a way you don't feel comfortable with... all the time. Like, I'm the slightly desheveled man with a goatee and a backwards cap. I just am. Don't mind taking the hat off, but shaving my goatee is like cutting off...
...my mole on my nose. FUCK. I'm THAT guy. (sigh)
I'm just lost. Would love to book that Tivo commercial though. Funny thing about that - you could read that copy about 6 viably different ways, and most likely I won't have a chance unless I get a callback. You have to pick one, and jump. I don't hate what I did, but again, depending on what they want I can go a thousand directions. You just hope you get to the next stage where they actually DO talk to you, and coach you a bit on what they need. I'll find out Monday.
Alright, I have to finish the interview. Should be up tomorrow.