Man. I know, I should have the
interview up already - it's been over a week. It's
going to need to be in 3 parts though, and it's just a
lot of work. It's mostly edited but I have to write
about shit I'm going through now...
It's a pretty intense time
career-wise. No, that's way too minor. I haven't the
slightest idea what I'm supposed to do. All The
Journey has done is show me what I CAN do. And even
that just confuses the issue. No, I need to know what
area of entertainment I'm supposed to be in. I feel
like it doesn't exist. Isn't that bizarre. I mean,
yeah that makes sense. I felt the need to do 4tvs when
it didn't exist. I felt the need to do a video blog
before it existed. It stands to reason that "what I'm
supposed to do" doesn't presently exist. I know I have
it in me to tell stories that people enjoy
experiencing... but in what area will it actually work
mainstream? That's the issue at hand.
I've long understood that I would
be Andy Kaufman before I was Andy Samberg. I actually
like that. I'm amazed at Kaufman, and kinda
indifferent to Samberg. I know he's funny (Saturday
Night Live btw), I know he has talent, but it
personally doesn't speak to me. Because of that?
Because I don't have a pulse on that specific type of
humor? I will be niche. And again, I've understood
that for awhile. The Egos, if I ever had the chance to
really do it? Would become far more introspective and
thought provoking than laugh out loud funny. Even
watching the Egos episodes from CBS... they avoid the
obvious gags the majority of the time. And that really
isn't gonna help you mainstream. Yet, I have no
choice. It's me. And the honest-to-goodness truth is?
I'm not funny. I can BE funny. I'm not saying I'm
UNfunny. But at my core? I'm what's represented in The
Journey movie/show I did in January. And that fucker
wasn't funny. LOL. It was moving, it was unique, it
was a viable piece of entertainment... but it's not
mainstream funny, even when it tries to be funny.
There's a bitterness to my "comedy". A very biting
underbelly that while incredibly interesting? Is lost
on nearly everyone and detracts from the "funny".
Christ, where was I?
Kaufman before Samberg. Now, the
thing is? Kaufman found a way to be mainstream, even
if it made him crazy 'cause it wasn't really "him".
That gave him the vehicle to do what was in him. How
do I do that? What avenue gets me success? Where do I
belong? And for those who don't get Kaufman, it's all
about emotion. Getting the audience to feel. It's the
hardest thing to do and Andy was one of the best. Now,
he made the audience hate him... He drove them crazy.
He frustrated them to a level where they would leave
the auditorium... but that's the point. He deeply
affected them. It's why other performers sit in awe.
It's something we can't do. There's a part in the
first Trinitrons show, where I act like I fucked up
the line and have to rewind the tape. It's a gag, and
the TVs make fun of "Live Adam", but for about 10
seconds - the audience has this "hush". And every
single person thinks you're the worst performer ever.
They think you're completely unprofessional, and the
energy in the room is almost unbearable... for 10
seconds. Even though I know they're gonna get the joke
in a few moments? My skin would crawl every single
time. Andy Kaufman lived for that. He thrived off it.
He found ways to get more of it. He did a show where
he read The Great Gatsby to a full audience expecting
to see the character he played on Taxi. At first they
laughed, then they realized he wasn't stopping... and
he never stopped. Every single person left the
auditorium. I know that sounds insane. I know that
seems like something anyone can do? But I assure you,
it's not. Even thinking about doing that puts my
stomach in knots. And I love that. That's why I love
The Journey movie so much. You feel a roller coaster
when you watch it. It's legitimately moving. It is
such a raw open wound that you are affected by it.
It's not afraid to be completely self-centered.
Completely arrogant. How can it not be? I'm not a
dolt, I understand how remarkably egotistical it is to
make an autobiographical movie of your own life and
invite people to see it. But I'm willing to be that
clown... 'cause it feels right. There is a rarity
there...
...but I'll be damned if I know
what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life. You go
where the response is... but when there's no response?
You spin. It's getting worse as I get older however,
because every day affects my self-esteem. And it's far
worse than my career. I don't have faith in my ability
to be happy long-term... ever. I have no family, I
have no career, I have no way to support anything... I
gave it all up to join the circus, and the circus
doesn't want me. And instead of hiding that? I post it
on the internet. Further helping my 'cause. (sigh). A
remarkable catch-22.
That thing is, it does bring you
back to "The Journey" as what defines me, but the
bottom line? People can't handle The Journey but in
small doses. It's too overwhelming. It's too sad. It's
too heartbreaking. And worst of all? It's too
repetitive. We get it, you're a struggling artist. A
struggling artist that now moves into the "pathetic"
realm because you turn 35 this year. Ya get why the
wikipedia shit took so much out of me? Christ I
haven't even mentioned that yet.
The page stayed up because there
was "no consensus". Which means it will be nominated
again at some point and if I haven't done enough to
prove my case then? I get taken down. Whatever. I just
don't care right now. Thankfully the stalker stopped
vandalizing the page, but it's just a matter of time.
But what was so trying about that whole thing was
there is an ounce of truth to it all. I'm not notable
enough. I mean I believe I"m notable enough for
Wikipedia... but I'm woefully underachieving my
potential. And no matter how psychotic the stalker
was? He hurt because he's hitting my weaknesses.
Granted, he said in one rant that I had no talent and
all my stuff looked like a high school production.
Which in my insecurity made me want to link him to
cool shit. LOL. So he's clearly a bt off there... but
my failures are out there for the world to see. My
choice. And you know what? Like everyone else, I DO
want desperately to hide them. I hate it. I hate that
my life really is a series of heartbreaks without
happy endings. No matter how hard I try, no matter how
romantic I spin it? It's there in black and white. My
hard-work and determination hasn't been rewarded. It
hasn't stopped me from trying, but I'm out of ideas.
I'm out of money. I'm out of everything. I'm envious
of has-beens because at least they "were". Ooh, that's
a good status update. I'm lost. I have no
identity.
And everything else in my life
that I HAVEN'T mentioned? Is worse. Add to that an
audition I have today for:
"Comedy, Improv, experience a
MUST!! He's a fit, bright tech geek, early adopter,
energetic, snarky, and TiVo expert! We are immediately
drawn to his energy and knowledge. His enthusiasm for
the product and the premiere interface is catching. He
delivers his lines with a clean, crisp stand-up comedy
confidence. Think a young Dennis Leary or Lewis Black
or Daniel Tosh"
Add to that that every audition
I'm on they bring up my goatee and my willingness to
shave it off. Throw on a pair of glasses, and that
leads to this:
This bizarre mix of Cameron and
Adam, and one I may have to just bite the bullet and
become if I hope to ever get booked in a commercial.
Although the goatee is "me", it's also 1996. I look a
lot younger completely shaven (although I am now 20
pounds over my Comedy Central weight, and that shows
BIG TIME when you shave)... but with less weight
and no facial hair - I add years to my ability to
keep fighting the fight. Man, you know I'm lost when
I'm considering completely shaving all of my facial
hair. UGH. Such a bizarre industry that makes you
consider looking a way you don't feel comfortable
with... all the time. Like, I'm the slightly
desheveled man with a goatee and a backwards cap.
I just am. Don't mind taking the hat off, but
shaving my goatee is like cutting off...
...my mole on my nose. FUCK. I'm
THAT guy. (sigh)
I'm just lost. Would love to book
that Tivo commercial though. Funny thing about that -
you could read that copy about 6 viably different
ways, and most likely I won't have a chance unless I
get a callback. You have to pick one, and jump. I
don't hate what I did, but again, depending on what
they want I can go a thousand directions. You
just hope you get to the next stage where they
actually DO talk to you, and coach you a bit on what
they need. I'll find out Monday.
Alright, I have to finish the
interview. Should be up tomorrow.
