It is not lost on
me that this is drivel. We all have problems, that's
life. I write simply because I have to.
People have to understand that the majority of The
Journey is not for public consumption. It's what you
think at your most private moments, when you want to
hide. I've simply chosen to show those moments.
Doesn't mean I always want to, it's just this site is
the only thing I believe in anymore. That being
said...
Alright life. You
have my attention. Pardon me for thinking I hit
bottom last month, it can most certainly get worse.
Must you be so cliched? Audited? Really? I owe
another $2500? My car breaks down, I'm in debt up to
my eyes... then I'm audited? Should I just take
CeBe to the vet now? Do I even mention the wives
leaving?
Not one part of me
is laughing. Not even smiling. The sarcasm is biting
and surly, my spirit is not good. I am the product of
10 years of this struggle and I am no longer the
extraordinary man that kept believing and fighting.
I don't believe. So much of this has been written
in the entries last month, but are so intertwined with
the relationship I'm in that they had to be locked.
Yes, everything has converged at once, and the kicker?
I was getting past it. Creating the
"FOUR" episodes was lifting me out of
this...
...and then that
letter. Property taxes were already due, this year's
taxes already due, and now add $2500 which with
everything else will go on my credit card called my
house. Remarkable. The taxes thing is funny really -
I made less than the interest I pay on my
house last year, yet still owe thousands in taxes
because I'm self-employed. LMAO. You're drowning a
dude that made $16,000 last year. HA. Oh wait, let us
not forget the 1099 I GOT IN APRIL
which is the reason for this audit. I swear to
fuck man, who sends their 1099s in APRIL? The shitty
part is, I had a bunch more write-offs last year,
but since I already made UNDER my interest
on the house? I didn't bother. It did me no
good. Now I get an extra 1099 (which I know,
I should've included anyway - even if
I never got it), and you know, I could
completely redo my taxes and add all of the
write-offs, but yeah - THAT doesn't look fishy.
I mean, they're legit write-offs, but we're
talking about so little money here. Seriously? You
audit me? By the way, did you know an audit was just a
bill? Only if you don't pay it does it become the
whole "prove your case" thingee. And I have
nothing to prove here, I got a 1099 after
I did my taxes (IN FUCKING APRIL) and
just threw my hands up. It's the truth, I owe it,
but got kinda screwed on my write-offs. I'll most
likely just pay it all and try to forget about
it...
...but that one
tiny little Adam Kontras spark flew through my brain
as I was pacing my foursquare court yesterday
afternoon. The Lemonade Life. How do I take this
one event, and make it something positive that didn't
exist before. If this one unexpected bill made me jump
even BIGGER, this could be a positive. So far it's
only made me write to Frank Calliendo 'cause I did a
thing on Facebook where you can see who viewed your
profile and he was one of them. He lives in LA, is
successful as fuck, and I figured a cup of coffee
is worth the advice he could give me. Chances are, he
won't respond, but I did it specifically because
of how beaten I am right now.
In 2002 when
I was depressed, I was 26. I didn't
believe in myself anymore... but I had time to
turn that around. I did. Now however, the time
isn't there. This is NOT the time to doubt.
I am absolutely up against the wall because of my
age and truth be told - Comedy Central may have been
my last chance. It's like a recession, you don't know
the beginning and end until well after. Hell, it could
very well have been CBS and the fact that I (or
those representing me) couldn't get ONE gig from
that exposure. I really am close to giving up.
I'm one good job offer away from giving up The
Journey. I shit you not. It took 10 years, but
I have to admit, I can't bear the feeling
anymore. The feeling of thinking you're incredible,
but no one else agreeing. It's the loneliest feeling
in the world. It's completely self-centered and
slightly psychotic. When you live in a world where the
sky is green to you? You're just alone. Sure, I can
find other people that see that green, that see my
talent... but they can't help me.
All of which is
leading to one moment on Monday. The moment
I hand a DVD with the first 10 episodes of
"FOUR" to Peter at Atom Films. What once seemed
inevitable, is now on very, very shaky ground - and
something I've spent literally 18 hours a day (with
rendering overnight) for over a month on (and only
that fast because I already logged and edited all
the good plays in OCTOBER) may be for nothing. Another
one of those "Adam Risks" where I believed in
something that the suits didn't see. It all comes down
to next week. I need it just to get back to the
misery I was in BEFORE the audit.
LOL.
Dear Journey
Gods,
I know it can
get worse. I don't doubt that. I am still
fortunate on so many levels. But seriously, I'm close
to throwin' in the towel here. You have me admitting
that publically for maybe the first time ever after
1017 entries. I need some sign that there's a reason
to continue. Some proof that what I'm doing has
meaning. I can't keep documenting "woe" in the
hopes that it just makes the miraculous ending even
better. I need some payoff. This is becoming
unbearbale for even ME to read/follow. That's the
moment this dies, you know? When I stop caring
about "what happens next"? We're done. Because
I already know what happens next. If I'm LUCKY
it's just another close call. Expecting more than that
at this point is the definition of
insanity...
