Entry #1017
6:42 AM, March 13th, 2010:
It is not lost on me that this is drivel. We all have problems, that's life. I write simply because I have to. People have to understand that the majority of The Journey is not for public consumption. It's what you think at your most private moments, when you want to hide. I've simply chosen to show those moments. Doesn't mean I always want to, it's just this site is the only thing I believe in anymore. That being said...
Alright life. You have my attention. Pardon me for thinking I hit bottom last month, it can most certainly get worse. Must you be so cliched? Audited? Really? I owe another $2500? My car breaks down, I'm in debt up to my eyes... then I'm audited? Should I just take CeBe to the vet now? Do I even mention the wives leaving?
Not one part of me is laughing. Not even smiling. The sarcasm is biting and surly, my spirit is not good. I am the product of 10 years of this struggle and I am no longer the extraordinary man that kept believing and fighting. I don't believe. So much of this has been written in the entries last month, but are so intertwined with the relationship I'm in that they had to be locked. Yes, everything has converged at once, and the kicker? I was getting past it. Creating the "FOUR" episodes was lifting me out of this...
...and then that letter. Property taxes were already due, this year's taxes already due, and now add $2500 which with everything else will go on my credit card called my house. Remarkable. The taxes thing is funny really - I made less than the interest I pay on my house last year, yet still owe thousands in taxes because I'm self-employed. LMAO. You're drowning a dude that made $16,000 last year. HA. Oh wait, let us not forget the 1099 I GOT IN APRIL which is the reason for this audit. I swear to fuck man, who sends their 1099s in APRIL? The shitty part is, I had a bunch more write-offs last year, but since I already made UNDER my interest on the house?  I didn't bother. It did me no good. Now I get an extra 1099 (which I know, I should've included anyway - even if I never got it), and you know, I could completely redo my taxes and add all of the write-offs, but yeah - THAT doesn't look fishy. I mean, they're legit write-offs, but we're talking about so little money here. Seriously? You audit me? By the way, did you know an audit was just a bill? Only if you don't pay it does it become the whole "prove your case" thingee. And I have nothing to prove here, I got a 1099 after I did my taxes (IN FUCKING APRIL) and just threw my hands up. It's the truth, I owe it, but got kinda screwed on my write-offs. I'll most likely just pay it all and try to forget about it...
...but that one tiny little Adam Kontras spark flew through my brain as I was pacing my foursquare court yesterday afternoon. The Lemonade Life. How do I take this one event, and make it something positive that didn't exist before. If this one unexpected bill made me jump even BIGGER, this could be a positive. So far it's only made me write to Frank Calliendo 'cause I did a thing on Facebook where you can see who viewed your profile and he was one of them. He lives in LA, is successful as fuck, and I figured a cup of coffee is worth the advice he could give me. Chances are, he won't respond, but I did it specifically because of how beaten I am right now.
In 2002 when I was depressed, I was 26. I didn't believe in myself anymore... but I had time to turn that around. I did. Now however, the time isn't there. This is NOT the time to doubt. I am absolutely up against the wall because of my age and truth be told - Comedy Central may have been my last chance. It's like a recession, you don't know the beginning and end until well after. Hell, it could very well have been CBS and the fact that I (or those representing me) couldn't get ONE gig from that exposure. I really am close to giving up. I'm one good job offer away from giving up The Journey. I shit you not. It took 10 years, but I have to admit, I can't bear the feeling anymore. The feeling of thinking you're incredible, but no one else agreeing. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. It's completely self-centered and slightly psychotic. When you live in a world where the sky is green to you? You're just alone. Sure, I can find other people that see that green, that see my talent... but they can't help me.
All of which is leading to one moment on Monday. The moment I hand a DVD with the first 10 episodes of "FOUR" to Peter at Atom Films. What once seemed inevitable, is now on very, very shaky ground - and something I've spent literally 18 hours a day (with rendering overnight) for over a month on (and only that fast because I already logged and edited all the good plays in OCTOBER) may be for nothing. Another one of those "Adam Risks" where I believed in something that the suits didn't see. It all comes down to next week. I need it just to get back to the misery I was in BEFORE the audit. LOL.
Dear Journey Gods,
I know it can get worse. I don't doubt that. I am still fortunate on so many levels. But seriously, I'm close to throwin' in the towel here. You have me admitting that publically for maybe the first time ever after 1017 entries. I need some sign that there's a reason to continue. Some proof that what I'm doing has meaning. I can't keep documenting "woe" in the hopes that it just makes the miraculous ending even better. I need some payoff. This is becoming unbearbale for even ME to read/follow. That's the moment this dies, you know? When I stop caring about "what happens next"? We're done. Because I already know what happens next. If I'm LUCKY it's just another close call. Expecting more than that at this point is the definition of insanity...
...as is everything I touch.