Entry #1014
4:45 PM, March 6th, 2010:
It has been the pattern since mid-2008 to painstakingly type out every single person's email who adds me on Facebook, and then send them a welcome letter letting them know who I am and what I do. As I approach 4000 friends, the thought of that is exhausting, especially considering how much the number fluctuates. Far more than 4000 emails have been sent. This was the only type of "networking" I could stomach. I figure, they added me (or back in 2008, accepted my add - exponentiality has kept me from having to add anymore) so an email isn't that big of a deal. Of course, to some it is... but the majority are happy to see my demo, share their own with me - and I've made some great connections. And the entirety of 2009 singlehandedly came from Facebook.
So it was with my last emailing that a certain Duke Fightmaster emails me back wanting to have me on his internet show in Laguna Beach to talk about The Journey. Well who can say no to that. A quick Google search on Duke shows he's been doing these shows for years and my thought is, it's more fodder for the reel. One more Journey story, and something that can lead to something else. It's funny, I remember Ann Walker's friends poking fun at her by saying she'd be at the opening of a garage if they asked her to... and, well - damnit, yes. Forget why that's good for the industry we're in, it's just good for life. Jump. Ann and I have the same mentality here. Throw it ALL against the wall. Far more is lost by inaction than wrong actions. Looked like fun, and I am always fascinated at how others view "The Journey". It's vastly different depending on the numbers each person stumbles upon.
Duke's take was kinda funny, and I'll save my thoughts on that when he gets the full interview edited next week. Duke had his wife on the show and I ended up sitting in between them... needless to say, the awkwardness with my own "record" was quite funny. Can't wait to see it.
Not 100% sure what to make of the show, and I apologize to Duke right now if he finds this offensive, but I can't tell if he's trying to be funny, or purposefully trying to not be funny. It's like the first time you watch Kauffman. Everything on the show was like that to me. That uncomfortable laughter 'cause you're just not sure what the hell is going on. Here's a bit of what I took in...
What I certainly did appreciate was how he was able to get the club in Laguna Beach (Club M) to give him the space. By pimpin' the club during the show and bringing in a small crowd before it actually opens - there's really nothing but positives for the owner and for Duke... and the setting is definitely cool. Certainly makes me curious as to what I could pull off. Only issue is, I'd want to do the show like I did for Comedy Central and it's just not feasible without a budget. The show is just too big and requires too much preperation. I don't want to just be the ringmaster, I gotta be the clown too. And honestly? I'd rather be the clown. I'm a good clown.
What I also am, and maybe to my core and my own detriment... is this:
Will there ever be a picture that represents my life better than this? I saw this in an art gallery before I went to the club. 40 years from now, how does this picture not symbolize everything? The thing is? I embrace it. I want it. I want to be alone. I like being alone. I like being different than everyone else. I've fallen in love with the idea that it may be all I stand for. The man in that picture isn't necessarily happy, but he's himself. He is the most interesting man in the room, and that glass of wine dulls the pain he feels for achieving such an honor. My heart is already that old. My mind has already lived that long. My experience has already overshadowed my age. And I love who I am...
...but hate myself in any other role than Journey Adam. The locked entries hold more pain. When the time is right, most of them will be shared. Just know it's as if every painful area of my life from the past 10 years has landed in my lap all at once. It's a "this is your life" period where every second reminds me of another failure from years past. I'm trying desperately to not let it erase my ability to feel joy...but I'm dangerously close to the only thing in my life that brings me joy being another break. That is a nightmare. You can't live for the big break. I never have. It was always part of The Journey. A journey that has now become a monumental struggle to keep honest.