- Entry
#1006
-
- 3:44 PM - January
29th, 2010...
-
- Not good. Not
good. Adam was a moron. Adam is still a moron. Adam -
you know, this is easier in third person. My whole
life feels like a novel anyway, so let's just do this
locked entry in 3rd person shall we?
-
- After getting my
ass kicked by Comedy Central, I was
spinning...
-
- That was
completely 1st person, Adam. Fuck. No, now that's 3rd.
AHHHHHHHH. Too much to do "cute". First person it is:
-
- Comedy Central
kicked my ass. Incredibly, that wasn't the final
straw. The final straw was having Stephanie come out
for Thanksgiving and proceed to flatten my ego even
further as she admittedly judged me every day so as to
feel better about living so far away. Basically, well
I can't have you - so I'll just find every negative
possible so that's easier. Good times. When she left
however it made me focus on the two women in my life,
Sarah and *****. Sarah was too overwhelming on nearly
every emotional level because she was a constant
reminder of what I couldn't do: a real relationship.
That never came up with *****. We just hung out. I
stopped and thought about it for a bit and thought
"Aha! That's the key. Comfort. Lack of extremes!
YAY"
-
- Now throw into the
lifestream: ***** wanted to move out of her apartment
and had been looking at places. Wanted a backyard, a
dog, etc. I sat there the Sunday Stephanie left
(November 30th) and couldn't find a negative for what
I was about to do. I'd throw it out there. *****
could move in. It would end all my dating drama by
becoming exclusive, it would help me financially and
at the end of the day it would be my first attempt at
working on a relationship that I wasn't balls to
the wall passionate about. Don't think of that as
negative for ***** - I like spending time with her -
but this wasn't a whirlwind romance in NY. I just
looked up one day and realized "this isn't dramatic".
I mean there were a few moments, but in general -
we just hung out. Played 4-square, watched movies,
laughed at stupid shit. For this moment in my life?
This was good...
-
- ...even now I'm
trying to gloss over those "moments". ***** is a bit
of a drinker, and is a meeeeeeeeeeean drunk. Also a
fan of pushing your buttons to see if you'll crack.
Why did I think this was a good idea. I knew
it during that FOUR episode. In fact, if this wasn't
locked, that would be the video.
-
-
Us bickering to the
point of me finally saying "Have another drink, *****"
because I had spent the previous night -
FOR THREE HOURS - keeping her from driving
because she was so drunk. She yelled at me for three
hours while trying to get her keys from me. Then she
starts THIS shit during FOUR? Oh
christ.
-
- But I'll admit,
after that episode in October, things really were
fine. Lots of laughs, and generally good. It
seeeeeeeemed like it would continue. However when
I brought it up, what I thought would be a
month from that moment, became that night. I rolled
with it, helped her move everything in - I was
leaving for Columbus on the 16th (she was coming to
visit her family a week later as she is also from
Columbus) and those 2 weeks were pretty, well,
dramatic. I assumed it was other stressors but within
hours that carefree chill relationship
EXPLODED. So much so I was counting down the days to
get to Columbus and relax. I did, I looked toward the
new year with a renewed effort to find peace, but when
we returned, January was identical if not worse. I had
always said "Listen, if things don't work out, you
were moving anyway - and this saved you a bunch of
money." None of those seemed like positives as the
weeks progressed. I finally told her just 2 weeks into
the year, while sitting in my driveway, that we needed
to come up with an exit strategy. Then, a week ago,
she lost her job. Oh glorious day. Her not having any
money wasn't really a big deal to me, she was welcome
to stay as long as she needed to, I wasn't gonna
kick her out... but I'm never alone.
-
- Throw-in the fact
that I rented out my guesthouse to a guy on the 24th.
So we're a full house and I'm a fucking joker for
thinking this was a good idea. There's no need to get
into the specifics of the relationship, but suffice to
say on the car ride back from the airport on January
6th, she dropped a couple of bombshells on me that had
I known in November, this wouldn't have happened.
Which is why you don't have someone move in with you
after knowing them only 4 months Adam, especially
without the rose-colored glasses of love. We are
skating on eggshells at every turn and I'm reallllllly
close to jumping up and down on them. A lot. A
whole lot.
-
- Of course, I don't
have a job. And the cold, hard, truth is that I have
few options at this point. However I have to be honest
with her, and with this site, even if I lock it
all. I'm in no position "ego-wise" to be able to deal
with the drama. I mean ego in a good way. Like, during
Donna (which was a whole different stratosphere,
believe me) I had the patience and capability of
dealing with it because of how well things were going
in the rest of my life. Not so right now. I'm scheming
and I have a lot of irons in the fire, but my ego is
shot. Beyond shot.
-
- Here's my biggest
concern personally in all of this. I'm to the point
now where you show me nearly any trait? I can
find the issue in seconds. There were signs before
November -- I had a feeling about a few things -- and
they were all confirmed on the 6th in the car ride
back from the airport. You know what that makes me? A
giant, annoying, asshole. No one wants to be around
someone who can spot issues that you've never even
THOUGHT of in milliseconds. I can't stand it.
Yet, I can't help that I understand "signs". That I
become a giant mirror for anyone who gets close to me.
It's a product of age, experience and
frankly: this site. This site of constant
self-analysis... and CHRIST it kills all romance (in
the "potential" sense, not love). Like,
I can still be romantic about my career because I
know that some people do make it and I know
I have the talent to do the same. Just a matter
of the right parts in the right place. Relationships?
I think they're ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL fucked. Nothing seems
better than my ass being alone - and
"dating" whenever I feel lonely. 'Cause I don't
want to deal with this shit. At all. I figured *****
was in the same place 2 months ago when I threw out
the moving in idea. She seemed pretty ho-hum about
relationships and just liked to hang. However it's
clear now she really wanted something that would go to
the next level. I was never against that, it just
wasn't on my radar. It was on her radar IMMEDIATELY.
These two months have been kicking my fucking ass, and
I'm gonna split in half here very soon.
-
- And then the girl
loses her job. God that sucks for her. She's welcome
to stay as long as she needs to, but what a shitty
start to her new year. She's been on the ball with
interviews, etc. she'll be fine. And we'll deal with
that transition when she gets that. And who knows,
maybe things will be a bit calmer then? Maybe we
CANNNNN just have a ho-hum, day-to-day
relationship of hangin out and watching
movies?
-
- Time will tell.
And I still haven't mentioned her unlocked on the
site. Jesus.
-
-
- Adam
|
