Entry was blacked out and locked until January 9th, 2014
Entry #1006
3:44 PM - January 29th, 2010...
Not good. Not good. Adam was a moron. Adam is still a moron. Adam - you know, this is easier in third person. My whole life feels like a novel anyway, so let's just do this locked entry in 3rd person shall we?
After getting my ass kicked by Comedy Central, I was spinning...
That was completely 1st person, Adam. Fuck. No, now that's 3rd. AHHHHHHHH. Too much to do "cute". First person it is:
Comedy Central kicked my ass. Incredibly, that wasn't the final straw. The final straw was having Stephanie come out for Thanksgiving and proceed to flatten my ego even further as she admittedly judged me every day so as to feel better about living so far away. Basically, well I can't have you - so I'll just find every negative possible so that's easier. Good times. When she left however it made me focus on the two women in my life, Sarah and *****. Sarah was too overwhelming on nearly every emotional level because she was a constant reminder of what I couldn't do: a real relationship. That never came up with *****. We just hung out. I stopped and thought about it for a bit and thought "Aha! That's the key. Comfort. Lack of extremes! YAY"
Now throw into the lifestream: ***** wanted to move out of her apartment and had been looking at places. Wanted a backyard, a dog, etc. I sat there the Sunday Stephanie left (November 30th) and couldn't find a negative for what I was about to do. I'd throw it out there. ***** could move in. It would end all my dating drama by becoming exclusive, it would help me financially and at the end of the day it would be my first attempt at working on a relationship that I wasn't balls to the wall passionate about. Don't think of that as negative for ***** - I like spending time with her - but this wasn't a whirlwind romance in NY. I just looked up one day and realized "this isn't dramatic". I mean there were a few moments, but in general - we just hung out. Played 4-square, watched movies, laughed at stupid shit. For this moment in my life? This was good...
...even now I'm trying to gloss over those "moments". ***** is a bit of a drinker, and is a meeeeeeeeeeean drunk. Also a fan of pushing your buttons to see if you'll crack. Why did I think this was a good idea. I knew it during that FOUR episode. In fact, if this wasn't locked, that would be the video.

Us bickering to the point of me finally saying "Have another drink, *****" because I had spent the previous night - FOR THREE HOURS - keeping her from driving because she was so drunk. She yelled at me for three hours while trying to get her keys from me. Then she starts THIS shit during FOUR? Oh christ.

But I'll admit, after that episode in October, things really were fine. Lots of laughs, and generally good. It seeeeeeeemed like it would continue. However when I brought it up, what I thought would be a month from that moment, became that night. I rolled with it, helped her move everything in - I was leaving for Columbus on the 16th (she was coming to visit her family a week later as she is also from Columbus) and those 2 weeks were pretty, well, dramatic. I assumed it was other stressors but within hours that carefree chill relationship EXPLODED. So much so I was counting down the days to get to Columbus and relax. I did, I looked toward the new year with a renewed effort to find peace, but when we returned, January was identical if not worse. I had always said "Listen, if things don't work out, you were moving anyway - and this saved you a bunch of money." None of those seemed like positives as the weeks progressed. I finally told her just 2 weeks into the year, while sitting in my driveway, that we needed to come up with an exit strategy. Then, a week ago, she lost her job. Oh glorious day. Her not having any money wasn't really a big deal to me, she was welcome to stay as long as she needed to, I wasn't gonna kick her out... but I'm never alone.
Throw-in the fact that I rented out my guesthouse to a guy on the 24th. So we're a full house and I'm a fucking joker for thinking this was a good idea. There's no need to get into the specifics of the relationship, but suffice to say on the car ride back from the airport on January 6th, she dropped a couple of bombshells on me that had I known in November, this wouldn't have happened. Which is why you don't have someone move in with you after knowing them only 4 months Adam, especially without the rose-colored glasses of love. We are skating on eggshells at every turn and I'm reallllllly close to jumping up and down on them. A lot. A whole lot.
Of course, I don't have a job. And the cold, hard, truth is that I have few options at this point. However I have to be honest with her, and with this site, even if I lock it all. I'm in no position "ego-wise" to be able to deal with the drama. I mean ego in a good way. Like, during Donna (which was a whole different stratosphere, believe me) I had the patience and capability of dealing with it because of how well things were going in the rest of my life. Not so right now. I'm scheming and I have a lot of irons in the fire, but my ego is shot. Beyond shot.
Here's my biggest concern personally in all of this. I'm to the point now where you show me nearly any trait? I can find the issue in seconds. There were signs before November -- I had a feeling about a few things -- and they were all confirmed on the 6th in the car ride back from the airport. You know what that makes me? A giant, annoying, asshole. No one wants to be around someone who can spot issues that you've never even THOUGHT of in milliseconds. I can't stand it. Yet, I can't help that I understand "signs". That I become a giant mirror for anyone who gets close to me. It's a product of age, experience and frankly: this site. This site of constant self-analysis... and CHRIST it kills all romance (in the "potential" sense, not love). Like, I can still be romantic about my career because I know that some people do make it and I know I have the talent to do the same. Just a matter of the right parts in the right place. Relationships? I think they're ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL fucked. Nothing seems better than my ass being alone - and "dating" whenever I feel lonely. 'Cause I don't want to deal with this shit. At all. I figured ***** was in the same place 2 months ago when I threw out the moving in idea. She seemed pretty ho-hum about relationships and just liked to hang. However it's clear now she really wanted something that would go to the next level. I was never against that, it just wasn't on my radar. It was on her radar IMMEDIATELY. These two months have been kicking my fucking ass, and I'm gonna split in half here very soon.
And then the girl loses her job. God that sucks for her. She's welcome to stay as long as she needs to, but what a shitty start to her new year. She's been on the ball with interviews, etc. she'll be fine. And we'll deal with that transition when she gets that. And who knows, maybe things will be a bit calmer then? Maybe we CANNNNN just have a ho-hum, day-to-day relationship of hangin out and watching movies?
Time will tell. And I still haven't mentioned her unlocked on the site. Jesus.