I'm starting this
entry now simply to have it fall on the exact 10 year
anniversary. Truth of the matter is, that I will be
moving nonstop until tomorrow evening with the show
tonight and the shoot tomorrow, so this will easily
take a day or two to put together. I'm not gonna short
change this one. :-)
The show was
completed early this morning and there's nothing I'd
love more than to sit on it for a month. I know
there's things I missed, things I skimmed too quickly,
and pacing issues when it's all said and done - but
I have no doubt that it's as good as any one
person could possibly do in 2 weeks while trying to
not piss off every single friend and family member in
his home town. Home is a very difficult place to work,
but I had little choice thanks to the extravagant
ticket prices had I shortened my stay. I pulled
it off. I'm writing entry #1000 which in itself is
mind blowing to me. A thousand memories. And onto the
show tonight...
Christ that looks
super-imposed doesn't it? And that's not even HD...
blown away by this projector. It's the following
evening btw... I will save the details of the set-up
and teardown for another entry as an unresolved issue
with management will certainly be worth a story. For
this entry however, I have to get my thoughts out on
how completely overwhelming this was.
I broke the show
up into 6 parts and I spoke and sang a song in
between the sections. I thought it was a good way to
keep things moving and provided an opportunity for me
to read the audience and fill in comedy if need be, or
explanation, etc. What it did not do however, was
provide me the ability to just run the fuck away which
I wanted to do at nearly every difficult moment. Boy
oh boy is it one thing to upload those videos in
solitary confinement, and an entirely different thing
to share it in a theater of your closest friends and
family. I did have to walk out a few times and most
definitely felt that directorial "birthing room" angst
that most filmakers feel during a screening. When
you're performing live? You're busy. You're doing
other tasks and you can influence, at least partially,
how the show goes. Not with a movie. And then stopping
it at crucially difficult moments in the story and
then singing a song? Say, about Jessica while she's
sitting their with her husband? Yeah, let's just say I
completely underestimated how difficult that would
be.
The reactions
however, are why I will do this show in LA and am
absolutely stoked about doing it in front of people
that know nothing about the story. It's the
documentary equivalent of a Rorschack test. How people
took it was as fascinating as any social experiment
I've ever read about. You'd think they had all watched
a completely different movie. Technically speaking?
There is more positive in it than negative, but
depending on your state of mind? Depending on how you
view life? You saw that ratio completely one sided.
Few people saw it as even as it was. Some
absolutely got the theme: the outcome should
not affect your view on the story within. The Comedy
Central experience was overwhelmingly positive because
I focused on the joy within it rather than
specifically the outcome. The 2008 political season
will not be hampered if Obama doesn't win a 2nd term,
or if history views him as impotent. It had nothing to
do with agenda and policies to me, it had to do with
something far, far greater and that can never be taken
away... yet several still saw those few moments as a
shining example that I must be a Democrat. The only
thing I said unequivocally was that looking for
reasons to go to war (i.e. Iraq) is foolish as it
leaves you open to disaster at home (Katrina) and
we're spread too thin. Other than that one sentence?
There is nothing even remotely partisan or even
biased. That's the whole point of this entire project!
Simply show what happens, let others judge how it
feels to them. It inspired some to say: "I could
absolutely never go through that much shit and keep
going..." and others to say: "If you can go
through that much shit and keep going, so can I..."
Mesmerizing talking to people about it and what I
wouldn't give to do this show for college students --
and then have a question and answer period about how
they perceive their own life and their own goals. The
show quickly stops being about me when it ends and
becomes a fairly huge reflection on your own life.
There is something here. I'm not sure exactly what the
path is, but this project is very, very special and
for the first time I'm really seeing just how rare it
is to have captured this type of vulnerability, for
this long...
...however I
still can't stop thinking about the rage within
my annual yearend drinking video. I'm afraid life has
handed me a few too many heartbreaks and the hard-edge
on me is so remarkably thick that I feel for anyone
expecting that romantic, loving gentleman who was last
seen by the mirage that was Donna in Fall of 2006. I'm
moving quickly towards the guy that ends up in his
house angry and alone as he ages and I haven't the
slightest idea how to prevent that. I'm already the
old man that slams the door in the face of some kid
trying to sell candy bars for the class trip if
I even open it to begin with. I've already run
from anything closely resembling a "cosmic connection"
for fear of being abandoned by yet another woman. My
walls so high I'm proud of them. I mean, so proud
I seem to reinforce them daily. Goddamn the yearend
video was frightening. No idea how to heal that
spirit. Time of course, but it may be far more than
that. I think these ten years have done irrepairable
damage and all I can do is keep going and hoping
my positive actions at some point pay dividends. But
as it relates to women? I completely, 100%,
overwhelmingly trust them... to leave me. Every time.
I believe in SHOWBUSINESS more than I believe in the
ability of a woman to fight for me instead of find
something better eventually. Oh my influence is
positive on them, they inevitably find themselves
moreso than ever beforehand - but when it comes to
reason/season/lifetime? I'm all 3. I'm in their life
for a reason, as a lover for a season, as a friend for
a lifetime. That equals a specatcularly bitter man
over time.
Last night
however, you had a spectacularly exhausted man.
The show was not fun for me in the least. I really do
wish I had gone with the earlier idea of simply
showing the funniest videos, and having some beers and
really celebrating. Instead we're left with an
incredibly well told story, an incredibly real
story, but in the end -- an exhausting story. Some may
have left inspired, but they certainly didn't have
"fun".
They had fun doin'
donuts on the way home of course. Man the weather. At
7pm (show started at 7:30) seemingly directly over a 2
mile radius where the movie theater was, a blustery
windy snow that in some parts made for a complete
whiteout. Depending on what part of town you came from
it was perfectly clear, or blizzard conditions. It was
already in the teens, so it basically destroyed 2/3 of
my guestlist that thought it'd just be a cool night
and planned on coming. Hell I even had some
family members say: "We were turning around at
one point". Yet some came from an hour or so away and
simply were not missing it. The remaining 40-50 that
did show up however were very excited and as I said
previously had remarkably different takes on it... but
I don't believe anyone wasn't affected.
The night ended
with a nice gift from Jessica, and a picture that is
worth a thousand words. Fitting...
She told me today
that she was really surprised our relationship played
such a big part in the show and the comment baffled
me. It has absolutely been the foundation of The
Journey and the one tangible sacrifice that absolutely
defined the first ten years. Our continuing friendship
doesn't erase that. The only thing that will replace
it is a bigger sacrifice... and honestly? I'm not sure
there's one to be had. Time will tell of course.
Either way, watching the video - it was cool watching
those around us watching the moment. Because of the
show, Jess and I are instantly "characters" and this
was absolutely a scene and you saw people watching
almost completely disconnected from the fact this was
reality. Man, that makes my head spin a bit. I must
say, I'm ready to get out of the past and back to the
future facing Adam. Heh, Back to the future. How
remarkably fitting considering I'm loading footage
from the shoot today which has Back to the Future 2
written all over it. For now, the night that
was...
All apologies for
not premiering this song last night. It was to end the
night, but after the movie ended, I was just done. The
last thing that was needed was some 2 minute
retrospective song. It works perfectly for the video
though.
More about this
night and Ravi: Businessman of the Century, in the
next entry (maybe 1002)... for now I put together the
magical moment where 2010 Adam peeks in on 2000 Adam
and Entry #1.
